THE BASEBALL CLEAT BULLY

     IT WAS A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT FOR "KLONDIKE".  HE HAD BEEN WALKING FOR TWO DAYS NOW, WEARING A PAIR OF BASEBALL CLEATS ON HIS HIS FEET.  THE SHOES JUST DIDN'T GO RIGHT WITH CEMENT.  THE CLEATS HAD BEEN PRESSING ON THE BOTTOM OF HIS FEET IN WAYS THAT HE HAD NEVER IMAGINED AND HIS FEET WERE EXPERIENCING SOME RATHER UNCOMFORTABLE AND UNUSUAL PAINS.  PLUS IT WAS HOT AND THE INSIDES OF HIS SHOES WERE SWEATING AS THE SUN BEAT DOWN ON THE REST OF HIS BODY AND MADE HIM FEEL LIKE HE WAS WALKING IN A  FRYING PAN WHILE HE WAS BEING THE ONE COOKED IN IT.

     AFTER ALL THIS TIME, A MAN FINALLY ASKED HIM,  "WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU WALKING AROUND IN THOSE CLEATS?   THE SIDEWALK MUST BE TORTURING YOUR FEET AND THE SUN MUST BE COOKING THEM."

     TO THIS "KLONDIKE" ANSWERED, "I AM A BULLY; AND I AM ON A QUEST TO FIND A BAREFOOTED PERSON, SO THAT I MAY STEP ALL OVER HIS FEET WITH MY BASEBALL CLEATS.  I HAVE WALKED FOR TWO DAYS AND TWO NIGHTS NOW AND I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND ANYONE WALKING BAREFOOTED.  I AM BEGINNING TO FEEL A DEEP AND DEPRESSING DISAPPOINTMENT SET IN.

    "WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO STEP ON SOMEONE'S FEET", QUESTIONED THE MAN?

     HE ANSWERED, "TO SATISFY MY DESIRE TO STEP ON SOMEBODY'S FEET.  YOU LOOK LIKE A KNOWLEDGEABLE PERSON.  PERHAPS YOU CAN POINT ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION:  MAYBE YOU'RE ABLE TO TELL ME WHERE I CAN FIND SOME BAREFOOTED PEOPLE."

     "NEVER", SHOUTED THE MAN!  "I'M NOT GOING TO TELL SOME MEAN MAN, WHERE HE MAY GO, SO THAT HE CAN STEP ON PEOPLE'S FEET.  YOU SHOULD BE LOCKED UP."

     WITH THIS, THE MAN TURNED AND WALKED AWAY, AS "KLONDIKE" SHOUTED, "WE ALL HAVE OUR OPINIONS.  AS FOR ME, I THINK THAT IT’S FUN TO STEP ON PEOPLE’S FEET; YOUR FEET FOR INSTANCE.  I HOPE I SEE YOU BAREFOOTED!"

     HE STARED AS THE STRANGER WALKED AWAY.  AT LAST, HE TURNED A CORNER AND HE WAS GONE.

     "KLONDIKE" SAT DOWN.  HE WAS TIRED FROM WALKING AND STILL DIDN'T KNOW WHERE HE COULD FIND BAREFOOTED PEOPLE.  HE BEGAN TRYING TO THINK OF PLACES WHERE PEOPLE WENT BAREFOOTED.  THEY DIDN'T GO BAREFOOTED AT THE AIRPORT.  THEY DIDN'T GO BAREFOOTED IN THE PARK.  THEY DIDN'T GO BAREFOOTED AT THE MALL.  THEY DIDN'T GO BAREFOOTED AT THE ZOO.  THEY DIDN'T GO BAREFOOTED AT THE BEACH.  

     WAIT A MINUTE…YES THEY DO!  OF COURSE:  WHAT WAS HE THINKING?  THEY DO GO BAREFOOTED AT THE BEACH!  

     HE STOOD UP AS HE HOLLARED, "YA-HOO!-I'VE GOT IT!-I'LL TAKE THE BUS TO THE BEACH!  THEY HAVE ALL THE BAREFOOTED PEOPLE THAT I WANT AT THE BEACH!  I'VE STRUCK A GOLDMINE!"

     SO "KLONDIKE" WALKED ACROSS THE STREET TO THE BUS STOP.  HE WAITED FOR THE BUS WITH A SIGN THAT SAID, "BEACH" AND BOARDED AND WENT TO THE BEACH.

     WHEN HE ARRIVED AT THE BEACH, HE GOT OFF THE BUS AND WALKED ONTO IT AND WENT AND FOUND A BENCH. THERE HE SAT FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

     "MY; LOOK AT ALL THE BARE-FOOTED PEOPLE", HE BLURTED OUT:  "I DON'T BELIEVE IT!  I'M GOING TO STEP ON SOME FEET AT THIS PLACE AND THEY'RE GOING TO KNOW IT!  I'LL GIVE THEM THE OUCH!"

     IT WASN'T MUCH LONGER, THAT HE FINALLY SPOTTED A BAREFOOT MAN.  WHEN HE GOT CLOSE ENOUGH, HE RAN UP TO THE MAN AND BEGAN STEPPING ALL OVER HIS FEET WITH BASEBALL CLEATS.

     "STOP: IT HURTS!  WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS", SHOUTED THE MAN?

     MEAN "KLONDIKE" IGNORED THE MAN AND CONTINUED STEPPING ALL OVER HIS FEET WITH BASE BALL CLEATS.

     "SUDDENLY, HE STOPPED AND STARED AT THE  MAN'S FEET.  TO HIS ABSOLUTE AMAZEMENT THE MAN WAS BLEEDING LITE-BLUE TURQOUISE COLORED BLOOD.

     THE MAN STOOD UP. HE GAVE "KLONDIKE" A MEAN LOOK, THEN LOOKED IN THE DIRECTION OF THE POPULATED PART OF THE BEACH.  HE HELD UP HIS HAND SO THAT THE PALM OF HIS HAND WOULD BE FACING IT.  

     A SERIES OF LIGHTS FLASHED AT A HIGHLY RAPID RATE FROM THE PALM OF HIS HAND, AS "KLONDIKE" STOOD THERE, WATCHING IN SHOCK AND A NUMBER OF PEOPLE BEGAN WALKING IN HIS DIRECTION TOWARD HIM AND THE MAN WITH THE BLUE BLOOD.  THEY CONTINUED TO WALK UNTIL THEY ARRIVED AT THE SPOT WHERE HE AND THE MAN WERE BOTH STANDING.  THEY ALL JUST STOOD THERE STARING.

     "BRETHREN", SAID THE MAN TO THE CROWD IN A LANGUAGE THAT "KLONDIKE” DID NOT UNDERSTAND;  "THIS MAN CAME UP TO ME AND STEPPED ALL OVER MY FEET WITH THOSE BASEBALL CLEATS THAT HE'S WEARING ON HIS FEET AND CAUSED MY FEET TO BLEED.  I ASKED HIM TO STOP AND ASKED HIM WHY HE WAS DOING THIS TO ME AND ALL HE DID WAS CONTINUE.  HIS EYES STARED ON AS HE ACTED, LIKE A CRAVING SAVAGE,  HUNGERING TO KILL SOMETHING; LIKE A VICIOUS DOG WHO GETS GLEE IN HIS EYE, WHENEVER SOMEONE STICKS THEIR HAND OVER THE FENCE TO PET IT.

     "LOOK AT MY FEET:  THEY'RE A MESS!

     "I BID MY BRETHREN, TO SURROUND HIM, SO THAT NO ONE SEES US AND TAKE HIM AWAY TO OUR SECRET STATION, WHERE WE MAY ADMINISTER THE PUNISHMENT FOR THIS BARBARIC ACT OF CRUELTY."

     THE CROWD SURROUNDED "KLONDIKE" AND TWO OF THE CROWD MEMBERS EACH GRABBED ONE OF HIS ARMS.  THEY  BLINDFOLDED HIM AND STUCK SOMETHING SHARP UP TO HIS BACK, AS ONE OF THEM SAID, "O.K. ANIMAL; START WALKING OR DIE!"

     HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE OBJECT WAS; BUT HE KNEW THAT IF IT WASN'T A KNIFE, IT WAS STILL SOMETHING THAT COULD HURT HIM AND THAT THERE WERE TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS CROWD TO SHOW ANY RESISTANCE ANYWAY.  HE JUST WENT IN THE DIRECTION THAT THEY WANTED HIM TO.

     ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE FELT THE TEMPERATURE CHANGE AS THOUGH THEY HAD GONE INTO AN ENCLOSURE THAT BLOCKED THE SUN.  THEY TOOK OFF HIS BLINDFOLD AND TO HIS SURPRISE, HE WAS INSIDE SOME KIND OF A LARGE ROUND ROOM.  THE ENTIRE CIRCUMFERENCE OF THE ROOM HAD A MAN WITH HIS BACK AGAINST THE WALL.  

     "WHERE AM I", HE ASKED OUT LOUD?

     "YOU ARE IN A STOMACH HOUSE", ANSWERED ONE OF THE MEN.   PEOPLE FROM OUR PLANET DON'T BUILD HOUSES.   INSTEAD, THEY CUT THE STOMACH OUT OF GIANT CREATURES KNOWN AS "EATERS" AND USE THEIR STOMACH AS A HOUSE.  YOU ARE IN THE STOMACH OF ONE OF THESE CREATURES, WHICH WE HAVE TRANSPORTED HERE TO USE AS A DWELLING.  THE FLOOR AND THE CEILING ARE NATURALLY FLAT AND THE CIRCUMFERENCE IS NATURALLY ROUND.  

     "KLONDIKE" ASKED, SO, WHY HAVE YOU BROUGHT ME HERE?"

     "YOU SURELY HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ALREADY, WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO OUR LEADER", ASKED ANOTHER ONE OF THE MEN?   YOU STEPPED ALL OVER HIS FEET WITH YOUR BASEBALL CLEATS.  YOU ARE TO BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR CRIME AND THAT IS WHY YOU ARE HERE."

     "YOU TALK AS IF YOU ARE FROM ANOTHER PLANET", NOTICED "KLONDIKE":  IF YOU ARE FROM ANOTHER PLANET, THEN HOW COME YOU LOOK LIKE US?"

     ANOTHER MAN ANSWERED, "REPETITION".  THE STARS AND PLANETS GO ON FOR ETERNITY FOR ALL ANY OF US KNOW.  THE CITIZENS OF OUR PLANET HAVE TRAVELED THROUGH SPACE MUCH MORE THAN THE PEOPLE OF YOUR PLANET; AND YET WE HAVE NEVER FOUND AN END, TO THE CONTINUOUS TRAIL OF STARS AND PLANETS.  PERHAPS THE UNIVERSE IS SO BIG, THAT NOBODY EVER WILL.  

     "THIS IS THE REASON THAT WE LOOK SO MUCH ALIKE; AT LEAST ON THE OUTSIDE.  THE APPEARANCES OF THE DIFFERENT LIFEFORMS IN SUCH A VAST UNIVERSE, HAVE REPEATED SO MANY TIMES, THAT THEY HAVE RAN OUT OF NEW APPEARANCES AND HAD TO START ALL OVER AGAIN.  FOR ALL WE KNOW, THE APPEARANCE OF EVERY LIFEFORM MAY HAVE AT LEAST ONE TWIN.

     OUR INSIDES ARE VERY DIFFERENT THOUGH.  WE HAVE BLUE BLOOD, WHICH YOU PROBABLY SAW BECAUSE OF YOUR CRUELTY TO OUR LEADER.  WE ALSO HAVE BODY ORGANS THAT YOU DON'T HAVE, DON'T HAVE ORGANS THAT YOU DO HAVE AND WE HAVE MORE BODY ORGANS THAN YOU."

     "I SAW THE BLUE BLOOD AND WONDERED ABOUT IT", NOTED "KLONDIKE":  BUT STILL; IF YOU ARE FROM A DIFFERENT PLANET, THEN WHY WOULD YOU BE HERE?  IN OTHER WORDS; WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

     "WE ARE MUTINEERS", AT LAST REPLIED THEIR LEADER AND THE ONE WHOSE FEET "KLONDIKE HAD STEPPED ON.  "IT HAPPENED LIKE THIS:

     "FOR YEARS, OUR PEOPLE HAVE BEEN COMING TO EARTH TO BUY THINGS.  SINCE WE LOOK JUST LIKE YOU, NOBODY HERE KNEW IT.  

     "WE DON'T HAVE TENNIS SHOES ON OUR PLANET:  SO WHILE OUR SHIP WAS ON AN EXPLORATORY MISSION WHICH PASSED BY EARTH, I STOPPED HERE AND BOUGHT A PAIR OF TENNIS SHOES.  BUT WHEN I RETURNED TO OUR SHIP, OUR CAPTAIN SAID THAT HE LIKED MY TENNIS SHOES AND TOOK THEM AWAY FROM ME.  THIS WAS A MISTAKE BECAUSE ALL THE OTHER 14,000 CREW MEMBERS WERE MY RELATIVES.  AS A  RESULT, WE PERFORMED A MUTINY AGAINST THE CAPTAIN."

     "KLONDIKE" ACCUSED, "THEN, YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER THE EARTH!"

     "NO; WE ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE OVER THE EARTH", REPLIED ANOTHER MAN.  WE NOT ONLY HAVE ENOUGH WEALTH  AND RESOURCES ON OUR OWN PLANET; BUT WE HAVE FOUND A NUMBER OF PLANETS THAT WERE TOTALLY EMPTY OF INTELLIGENT LIFE AND A NUMBER OF THOSE HAD ATMOSPHERES SIMILAR TO OUR OWN.  WE DON'T NEED YOUR PLANET.  WE JUST STOP HERE TO TAKE BREAKS AND AFTERWARDS LEAVE; EXCEPT THAT IN OUR CASE, WE USE IT AS A HIDEOUT, SINCE WE CAN NO LONGER GO HOME.

     "SO THEN", "KLONDIKE" SAID, BUT SAID NO MORE BECAUSE HE WAS INTERRUPTED BY THE MAN WHO HAD HIS FEET STEPPED ON BY "KLONDIKE" HIMSELF.

     HE TURNED AND WALKED AWAY AS HE GLANCED TO HIS SIDE AND SAW ALL THE SPACE ALIENS STILL LOOKING ON AND WATCHING THE WHOLE THING.  HE CONTINUED WALKING FOR ABOUT A HUNDRED FEET; BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN STOPPED, TURNED BACK AND LOOKED.

     HE HEARD THE POLICEMAN SHOUT OUTLOUD TO THE SPACE ALIENS, "CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT GUY?  HE HAD THE NERVE TO SAY YOU WERE ALL A BUNCH OF SPACE ALIENS!"     

AS "KLONDIKE" WATCHED, HE SAW THE POLICEMAN OPEN UP THE BEER THAT HE WAS HOLDING IN HIS HAND WHEN HE WOKE UP, TAKE A SWIG AND HOLLAR OUT TO THE CROWD OF SPACE ALIENS, "HEY; DO ANY OF YOU GUYS WANT ANY OF THESE BEERS?  I HAVE FIVE LEFT."

     THE ENTIRE CROWD WALKED OVER AND HE HANDED THE FIVE BEERS OUT TO FIVE OF IT'S MEMBERS.  HE TALKED TO THEM AND SMILED AT THEM AS THEY DID THE SAME AND THE RUMBLING OF THE CHATTERING HAD STARTED.  ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT DIED OUT THOUGH, WHEN THEY SAW THE POLICEMAN STOP AND LOOK AT "KLONDIKE".  

     "YOU MEAN, YOU'RE NOT GONE YET", QUESTIONED THE POLICEMAN?

     "AFTER "KLONDIKE" TURNED AND WALKED AWAY, HE HEARD THE POLICEMAN SHOUT OUT LOUD, "AND DON'T COME BACK!"

     HE ARRIVED AT THE BUS STOP.  IT HAD BEEN AN INSANE DAY.  HE STEPPED ALL OVER SOMEONE'S FEET WITH BASEBALL CLEATS; BUT THEY TURNED OUT TO

BE THE LEADER OF SPACE ALIENS AND WITH TURQUOISE-BLUE BLOOD AT THAT. HE CALLED ALL HIS FRIENDS OVER WHO ALL TURNED OUT TO BE ESCAPED MUTINEERS, WHO WERE ON THE RUN FOR A MUTINY, AFTER THE CAPTAIN OF THE SHIP HAD STOLEN A PAIR OF TENNIS SHOES FROM THE 2ND IN COMMAND, WHO HAD BOUGHT THEM ON EARTH.  THEY TOOK "KLONDIKE" TO THEIR HIDEOUT, INSIDE A REMOVED STOMACH OF A GIANT CREATURE FROM THEIR OWN PLANET.  THERE, THEIR LEADER HAD STEPPED ALL OVER HIS FEET WITH BASEBALL CLEATS BECAUSE "KLONDIKE" HAD DONE THE SAME TO THEIR LEADER.  FINALLY, THEY TOOK HIM BACK TO THE BEACH, KNOCKED HIM OUT, LEFT A SIX PACK BESIDE HIM TO GET HIM IN TROUBLE.  A POLICEMAN CAME BY, TOOK HIS BEER AWAY FROM HIM, MADE HIM LEAVE THE BEACH, WHILE THE POLICEMAN DRANK THE BEER WITH THE VERY SPACE ALIENS WHO HAD PLANTED THE BEER ON HIM, WHO HAD LOOKED ON WHILE THE POLICEMAN HAD TALKED TO HIM:  TRULY A CRAZY DAY.

     THE SPACE ALIENS LOCATED “KLONDYKE’S” PARENTS

AND TOOK THEM AND “KLONDYKE” BACK TO THE “STOMACH HOUSE” WHERE THEY HAD FIRST PUNISHED “KLONDYKE” AND THERE THEY PERFORMED THE OPERATION OF PUTTING HIS BRAIN IN THE NEW SMALLER BODY THAT THE ALIENS HAD MADE FROM HIS OWN DNA.  ALL THROUGH THE OPERATION, HIS MOTHER WEPT UNTIL ONE OF THE SPACE ALIENS MENTIONED, THAT FROM NOW ON “KLONDYKE’S” CLOTHING WOULD BE MUCH CHEAPER TO BUY, SINCE HE WOULD BE WEARING CHILDREN’S CLOTHING AGAIN, HIS FOOD WOULD BE CHEAPER SINCE HE WAS NOW A LOT SMALLER, WHEREAS BEFORE, HE ATE ALL THAT HE WANTED AND THAT HE WOULD ALSO BE EASIER TO MANAGE, SINCE HE WAS BEGINNING TO USE HIS LARGE SIZE TO BOSS HIS PARENTS.  BOTH HIS PARENTS WERE FARTHER RELIEVED, WHEN THE NICE SPACE ALIENS GAVE THEM ENOUGH CASH TO PAY OFF THEIR BANK MORTGAGE ON THEIR HOUSE.

     THEY BOTH CAME TO THE SAME AGREEMENT AS THE SPACE ALIEN LEADER AND HIS STOWAWAY SPACE ALIENS, THAT PERHAPS IT WAS ALL FOR THE BEST, EVEN IF “KLONDYKE SHRANK A BIT.

THE END

written by

Dwayne Leftridge

  DWAYNE LEFTRIDGE ALSO MADE...

A GOOD CD!

“COMING OUT

OF THE

HERMIT’S CAVE”

(HAS RECEIVED RADIO AIRPLAY SOMEWHERE AROUND 61 TIMES)

(SEE LEFT COLUMN FOR

"COMING OUT OF THE HERMIT'S CAVE"

ON

APPLEITUNES

     "LOOK AT MY FEET:  THEY'RE A MESS!

     "I BID MY BRETHREN, TO SURROUND HIM, SO THAT NO ONE SEES US AND TAKE HIM AWAY TO OUR SECRET STATION, WHERE WE MAY ADMINISTER THE PUNISHMENT FOR THIS BARBARIC ACT OF CRUELTY."

     THE CROWD SURROUNDED "KLONDIKE" AND TWO OF THE CROWD MEMBERS EACH GRABBED ONE OF HIS ARMS.  THEY  BLINDFOLDED HIM AND STUCK SOMETHING SHARP UP TO HIS BACK, AS ONE OF THEM SAID, "O.K. ANIMAL; START WALKING OR DIE!"

     HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE OBJECT WAS; BUT HE KNEW THAT IF IT WASN'T A KNIFE, IT WAS STILL SOMETHING THAT COULD HURT HIM AND THAT THERE WERE TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS CROWD TO SHOW ANY RESISTANCE ANYWAY.  HE JUST WENT IN THE DIRECTION THAT THEY WANTED HIM TO.

     ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE FELT THE TEMPERATURE CHANGE AS THOUGH THEY HAD GONE INTO AN ENCLOSURE THAT BLOCKED THE SUN.  THEY TOOK OFF HIS BLINDFOLD AND TO HIS SURPRISE, HE WAS INSIDE SOME KIND OF A LARGE ROUND ROOM.  THE ENTIRE CIRCUMFERENCE OF THE ROOM HAD A MAN WITH HIS BACK AGAINST THE WALL.  

     "WHERE AM I", HE ASKED OUT LOUD?

     "YOU ARE IN A STOMACH HOUSE", ANSWERED ONE OF THE MEN.   PEOPLE FROM OUR PLANET DON'T BUILD HOUSES.   INSTEAD, THEY CUT THE STOMACH OUT OF GIANT CREATURES KNOWN AS "EATERS" AND USE THEIR STOMACH AS A HOUSE.  YOU ARE IN THE STOMACH OF ONE OF THESE CREATURES, WHICH WE HAVE TRANSPORTED HERE TO USE AS A DWELLING.  THE FLOOR AND THE CEILING ARE NATURALLY FLAT AND THE CIRCUMFERENCE IS NATURALLY ROUND.  

     "KLONDIKE" ASKED, SO, WHY HAVE YOU BROUGHT ME HERE?"

     "YOU SURELY HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ALREADY, WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO OUR LEADER", ASKED ANOTHER ONE OF THE MEN?   YOU STEPPED ALL OVER HIS FEET WITH YOUR BASEBALL CLEATS.  YOU ARE TO BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR CRIME AND THAT IS WHY YOU ARE HERE."

     "YOU TALK AS IF YOU ARE FROM ANOTHER PLANET", NOTICED "KLONDIKE":  IF YOU ARE FROM ANOTHER PLANET, THEN HOW COME YOU LOOK LIKE US?"

     ANOTHER MAN ANSWERED, "REPETITION".  THE STARS AND PLANETS GO ON FOR ETERNITY FOR ALL ANY OF US KNOW.  THE CITIZENS OF OUR PLANET HAVE TRAVELED THROUGH SPACE MUCH MORE THAN THE PEOPLE OF YOUR PLANET; AND YET WE HAVE NEVER FOUND AN END, TO THE CONTINUOUS TRAIL OF STARS AND PLANETS.  PERHAPS THE UNIVERSE IS SO BIG, THAT NOBODY EVER WILL.  

     "THIS IS THE REASON THAT WE LOOK SO MUCH ALIKE; AT LEAST ON THE OUTSIDE.  THE APPEARANCES OF THE DIFFERENT LIFEFORMS IN SUCH A VAST UNIVERSE, HAVE REPEATED SO MANY TIMES, THAT THEY HAVE RAN OUT OF NEW APPEARANCES AND HAD TO START ALL OVER AGAIN.  FOR ALL WE KNOW, THE APPEARANCE OF EVERY LIFEFORM MAY HAVE AT LEAST ONE TWIN.

     OUR INSIDES ARE VERY DIFFERENT THOUGH.  WE HAVE BLUE BLOOD, WHICH YOU PROBABLY SAW BECAUSE OF YOUR CRUELTY TO OUR LEADER.  WE ALSO HAVE BODY ORGANS THAT YOU DON'T HAVE, DON'T HAVE ORGANS THAT YOU DO HAVE AND WE HAVE MORE BODY ORGANS THAN YOU."

     "I SAW THE BLUE BLOOD AND WONDERED ABOUT IT", NOTED "KLONDIKE":  BUT STILL; IF YOU ARE FROM A DIFFERENT PLANET, THEN WHY WOULD YOU BE HERE?  IN OTHER WORDS; WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

     "WE ARE MUTINEERS", AT LAST REPLIED THEIR LEADER AND THE ONE WHOSE FEET "KLONDIKE HAD STEPPED ON.  "IT HAPPENED LIKE THIS:

     "FOR YEARS, OUR PEOPLE HAVE BEEN COMING TO EARTH TO BUY THINGS.  SINCE WE LOOK JUST LIKE YOU, NOBODY HERE KNEW IT.  

     "WE DON'T HAVE TENNIS SHOES ON OUR PLANET:  SO WHILE OUR SHIP WAS ON AN EXPLORATORY MISSION WHICH PASSED BY EARTH, I STOPPED HERE AND BOUGHT A PAIR OF TENNIS SHOES.  BUT WHEN I RETURNED TO OUR SHIP, OUR CAPTAIN SAID THAT HE LIKED MY TENNIS SHOES AND TOOK THEM AWAY FROM ME.  THIS WAS A MISTAKE BECAUSE ALL THE OTHER 14,000 CREW MEMBERS WERE MY RELATIVES.  AS A  RESULT, WE PERFORMED A MUTINY AGAINST THE CAPTAIN."

     "KLONDIKE" ACCUSED, "THEN, YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE OVER THE EARTH!"

     "NO; WE ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE OVER THE EARTH", REPLIED ANOTHER MAN.  WE NOT ONLY HAVE ENOUGH WEALTH  AND RESOURCES ON OUR OWN PLANET; BUT WE HAVE FOUND A NUMBER OF PLANETS THAT WERE TOTALLY EMPTY OF INTELLIGENT LIFE AND A NUMBER OF THOSE HAD ATMOSPHERES SIMILAR TO OUR OWN.  WE DON'T NEED YOUR PLANET.  WE JUST STOP HERE TO TAKE BREAKS AND AFTERWARDS LEAVE; EXCEPT THAT IN OUR CASE, WE USE IT AS A HIDEOUT, SINCE WE CAN NO LONGER GO HOME.

     "SO THEN", "KLONDIKE" SAID, BUT SAID NO MORE BECAUSE HE WAS INTERRUPTED BY THE MAN WHO HAD HIS FEET STEPPED ON BY "KLONDIKE" HIMSELF.

     HE TURNED AND WALKED AWAY AS HE GLANCED TO HIS SIDE AND SAW ALL THE SPACE ALIENS STILL LOOKING ON AND WATCHING THE WHOLE THING.  HE CONTINUED WALKING FOR ABOUT A HUNDRED FEET; BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN STOPPED, TURNED BACK AND LOOKED.

     HE HEARD THE POLICEMAN SHOUT OUTLOUD TO THE SPACE ALIENS, "CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT GUY?  HE HAD THE NERVE TO SAY YOU WERE ALL A BUNCH OF SPACE ALIENS!"     

AS "KLONDIKE" WATCHED, HE SAW THE POLICEMAN OPEN UP THE BEER THAT HE WAS HOLDING IN HIS HAND WHEN HE WOKE UP, TAKE A SWIG AND HOLLAR OUT TO THE CROWD OF SPACE ALIENS, "HEY; DO ANY OF YOU GUYS WANT ANY OF THESE BEERS?  I HAVE FIVE LEFT."

     THE ENTIRE CROWD WALKED OVER AND HE HANDED THE FIVE BEERS OUT TO FIVE OF IT'S MEMBERS.  HE TALKED TO THEM AND SMILED AT THEM AS THEY DID THE SAME AND THE RUMBLING OF THE CHATTERING HAD STARTED.  ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT DIED OUT THOUGH, WHEN THEY SAW THE POLICEMAN STOP AND LOOK AT "KLONDIKE".  

     "YOU MEAN, YOU'RE NOT GONE YET", QUESTIONED THE POLICEMAN?

     "AFTER "KLONDIKE" TURNED AND WALKED AWAY, HE HEARD THE POLICEMAN SHOUT OUT LOUD, "AND DON'T COME BACK!"

     HE ARRIVED AT THE BUS STOP.  IT HAD BEEN AN INSANE DAY.  HE STEPPED ALL OVER SOMEONE'S FEET WITH BASEBALL CLEATS; BUT THEY TURNED OUT TO

BE THE LEADER OF SPACE ALIENS AND WITH TURQUOISE-BLUE BLOOD AT THAT. HE CALLED ALL HIS FRIENDS OVER WHO ALL TURNED OUT TO BE ESCAPED MUTINEERS, WHO WERE ON THE RUN FOR A MUTINY, AFTER THE CAPTAIN OF THE SHIP HAD STOLEN A PAIR OF TENNIS SHOES FROM THE 2ND IN COMMAND, WHO HAD BOUGHT THEM ON EARTH.  THEY TOOK "KLONDIKE" TO THEIR HIDEOUT, INSIDE A REMOVED STOMACH OF A GIANT CREATURE FROM THEIR OWN PLANET.  THERE, THEIR LEADER HAD STEPPED ALL OVER HIS FEET WITH BASEBALL CLEATS BECAUSE "KLONDIKE" HAD DONE THE SAME TO THEIR LEADER.  FINALLY, THEY TOOK HIM BACK TO THE BEACH, KNOCKED HIM OUT, LEFT A SIX PACK BESIDE HIM TO GET HIM IN TROUBLE.  A POLICEMAN CAME BY, TOOK HIS BEER AWAY FROM HIM, MADE HIM LEAVE THE BEACH, WHILE THE POLICEMAN DRANK THE BEER WITH THE VERY SPACE ALIENS WHO HAD PLANTED THE BEER ON HIM, WHO HAD LOOKED ON WHILE THE POLICEMAN HAD TALKED TO HIM:  TRULY A CRAZY DAY.

     THE SPACE ALIENS LOCATED “KLONDYKE’S” PARENTS

AND TOOK THEM AND “KLONDYKE” BACK TO THE “STOMACH HOUSE” WHERE THEY HAD FIRST PUNISHED “KLONDYKE” AND THERE THEY PERFORMED THE OPERATION OF PUTTING HIS BRAIN IN THE NEW SMALLER BODY THAT THE ALIENS HAD MADE FROM HIS OWN DNA.  ALL THROUGH THE OPERATION, HIS MOTHER WEPT UNTIL ONE OF THE SPACE ALIENS MENTIONED, THAT FROM NOW ON “KLONDYKE’S” CLOTHING WOULD BE MUCH CHEAPER TO BUY, SINCE HE WOULD BE WEARING CHILDREN’S CLOTHING AGAIN, HIS FOOD WOULD BE CHEAPER SINCE HE WAS NOW A LOT SMALLER, WHEREAS BEFORE, HE ATE ALL THAT HE WANTED AND THAT HE WOULD ALSO BE EASIER TO MANAGE, SINCE HE WAS BEGINNING TO USE HIS LARGE SIZE TO BOSS HIS PARENTS.  BOTH HIS PARENTS WERE FARTHER RELIEVED, WHEN THE NICE SPACE ALIENS GAVE THEM ENOUGH CASH TO PAY OFF THEIR BANK MORTGAGE ON THEIR HOUSE.

     THEY BOTH CAME TO THE SAME AGREEMENT AS THE SPACE ALIEN LEADER AND HIS STOWAWAY SPACE ALIENS, THAT PERHAPS IT WAS ALL FOR THE BEST, EVEN IF “KLONDYKE SHRANK A BIT.

THE END

written by

Dwayne Leftridge

THE BASEBALL CLEAT BULLY

     IT WAS A GREAT DISAPPOINTMENT FOR "KLONDIKE".  HE HAD BEEN WALKING FOR TWO DAYS NOW, WEARING A PAIR OF BASEBALL CLEATS ON HIS HIS FEET.  THE SHOES JUST DIDN'T GO RIGHT WITH CEMENT.  THE CLEATS HAD BEEN PRESSING ON THE BOTTOM OF HIS FEET IN WAYS THAT HE HAD NEVER IMAGINED AND HIS FEET WERE EXPERIENCING SOME RATHER UNCOMFORTABLE AND UNUSUAL PAINS.  PLUS IT WAS HOT AND THE INSIDES OF HIS SHOES WERE SWEATING AS THE SUN BEAT DOWN ON THE REST OF HIS BODY AND MADE HIM FEEL LIKE HE WAS WALKING IN A  FRYING PAN WHILE HE WAS BEING THE ONE COOKED IN IT.

     AFTER ALL THIS TIME, A MAN FINALLY ASKED HIM,  "WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU WALKING AROUND IN THOSE CLEATS?   THE SIDEWALK MUST BE TORTURING YOUR FEET AND THE SUN MUST BE COOKING THEM."

     TO THIS "KLONDIKE" ANSWERED, "I AM A BULLY; AND I AM ON A QUEST TO FIND A BAREFOOTED PERSON, SO THAT I MAY STEP ALL OVER HIS FEET WITH MY BASEBALL CLEATS.  I HAVE WALKED FOR TWO DAYS AND TWO NIGHTS NOW AND I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND ANYONE WALKING BAREFOOTED.  I AM BEGINNING TO FEEL A DEEP AND DEPRESSING DISAPPOINTMENT SET IN.

    "WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO STEP ON SOMEONE'S FEET", QUESTIONED THE MAN?

     HE ANSWERED, "TO SATISFY MY DESIRE TO STEP ON SOMEBODY'S FEET.  YOU LOOK LIKE A KNOWLEDGEABLE PERSON.  PERHAPS YOU CAN POINT ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION:  MAYBE YOU'RE ABLE TO TELL ME WHERE I CAN FIND SOME BAREFOOTED PEOPLE."

     "NEVER", SHOUTED THE MAN!  "I'M NOT GOING TO TELL SOME MEAN MAN, WHERE HE MAY GO, SO THAT HE CAN STEP ON PEOPLE'S FEET.  YOU SHOULD BE LOCKED UP."

     WITH THIS, THE MAN TURNED AND WALKED AWAY, AS "KLONDIKE" SHOUTED, "WE ALL HAVE OUR OPINIONS.  AS FOR ME, I THINK THAT IT’S FUN TO STEP ON PEOPLE’S FEET; YOUR FEET FOR INSTANCE.  I HOPE I SEE YOU BAREFOOTED!"

     HE STARED AS THE STRANGER WALKED AWAY.  AT LAST, HE TURNED A CORNER AND HE WAS GONE.

     "KLONDIKE" SAT DOWN.  HE WAS TIRED FROM WALKING AND STILL DIDN'T KNOW WHERE HE COULD FIND BAREFOOTED PEOPLE.  HE BEGAN TRYING TO THINK OF PLACES WHERE PEOPLE WENT BAREFOOTED.  THEY DIDN'T GO BAREFOOTED AT THE AIRPORT.  THEY DIDN'T GO BAREFOOTED IN THE PARK.  THEY DIDN'T GO BAREFOOTED AT THE MALL.  THEY DIDN'T GO BAREFOOTED AT THE ZOO.  THEY DIDN'T GO BAREFOOTED AT THE BEACH.  

     WAIT A MINUTE…YES THEY DO!  OF COURSE:  WHAT WAS HE THINKING?  THEY DO GO BAREFOOTED AT THE BEACH!  

     HE STOOD UP AS HE HOLLARED, "YA-HOO!-I'VE GOT IT!-I'LL TAKE THE BUS TO THE BEACH!  THEY HAVE ALL THE BAREFOOTED PEOPLE THAT I WANT AT THE BEACH!  I'VE STRUCK A GOLDMINE!"

     SO "KLONDIKE" WALKED ACROSS THE STREET TO THE BUS STOP.  HE WAITED FOR THE BUS WITH A SIGN THAT SAID, "BEACH" AND BOARDED AND WENT TO THE BEACH.

     WHEN HE ARRIVED AT THE BEACH, HE GOT OFF THE BUS AND WALKED ONTO IT AND WENT AND FOUND A BENCH. THERE HE SAT FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

     "MY; LOOK AT ALL THE BARE-FOOTED PEOPLE", HE BLURTED OUT:  "I DON'T BELIEVE IT!  I'M GOING TO STEP ON SOME FEET AT THIS PLACE AND THEY'RE GOING TO KNOW IT!  I'LL GIVE THEM THE OUCH!"

     IT WASN'T MUCH LONGER, THAT HE FINALLY SPOTTED A BAREFOOT MAN.  WHEN HE GOT CLOSE ENOUGH, HE RAN UP TO THE MAN AND BEGAN STEPPING ALL OVER HIS FEET WITH BASEBALL CLEATS.

     "STOP: IT HURTS!  WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS", SHOUTED THE MAN?

     MEAN "KLONDIKE" IGNORED THE MAN AND CONTINUED STEPPING ALL OVER HIS FEET WITH BASE BALL CLEATS.

     "SUDDENLY, HE STOPPED AND STARED AT THE  MAN'S FEET.  TO HIS ABSOLUTE AMAZEMENT THE MAN WAS BLEEDING LITE-BLUE TURQOUISE COLORED BLOOD.

     THE MAN STOOD UP. HE GAVE "KLONDIKE" A MEAN LOOK, THEN LOOKED IN THE DIRECTION OF THE POPULATED PART OF THE BEACH.  HE HELD UP HIS HAND SO THAT THE PALM OF HIS HAND WOULD BE FACING IT.  

     A SERIES OF LIGHTS FLASHED AT A HIGHLY RAPID RATE FROM THE PALM OF HIS HAND, AS "KLONDIKE" STOOD THERE, WATCHING IN SHOCK AND A NUMBER OF PEOPLE BEGAN WALKING IN HIS DIRECTION TOWARD HIM AND THE MAN WITH THE BLUE BLOOD.  THEY CONTINUED TO WALK UNTIL THEY ARRIVED AT THE SPOT WHERE HE AND THE MAN WERE BOTH STANDING.  THEY ALL JUST STOOD THERE STARING.

     "BRETHREN", SAID THE MAN TO THE CROWD IN A LANGUAGE THAT "KLONDIKE” DID NOT UNDERSTAND;  "THIS MAN CAME UP TO ME AND STEPPED ALL OVER MY FEET WITH THOSE BASEBALL CLEATS THAT HE'S WEARING ON HIS FEET AND CAUSED MY FEET TO BLEED.  I ASKED HIM TO STOP AND ASKED HIM WHY HE WAS DOING THIS TO ME AND ALL HE DID WAS CONTINUE.  HIS EYES STARED ON AS HE ACTED, LIKE A CRAVING SAVAGE,  HUNGERING TO KILL SOMETHING; LIKE A VICIOUS DOG WHO GETS GLEE IN HIS EYE, WHENEVER SOMEONE STICKS THEIR HAND OVER THE FENCE TO PET IT.

     THE BUS CAME.  AS HE GOT ON, SINCE YOU WEREN'T ALLOWED TO RIDE THE BUS BARE-FOOTED, HE THOUGHT FOR SURE THAT THE BUS DRIVER WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING.  FORTUNATELY FOR HIM, THE BUS DRIVER WAS BLIND AND WAS THEREFORE UNABLE TO SEE HIS FEET AS HE PUT THE CHANGE IN THE METER.  HE WALKED TO A SEAT AND SAT DOWN.

     "OH, WHAT TO DO ON SUCH A CRAZY DAY", HE MUTTERED TO HIMSELF.

     HE PONDERED FOR A MOMENT.  HE WASN'T ABOUT TO GO OUT TRYING TO STEP ALL OVER PEOPLES' FEET WITH BASEBALL CLEATS; NOT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED AND HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY BASEBALL CLEETS ANYMORE ANYWAY, SINCE THE SPACE ALIENS TOOK THEM AWAY FROM HIM.  HE WAS TIRED OF WATCHING TELEVISION ALL THE TIME AND WAS REALLY QUITE SICK OF EVERYTHING.  HE KEPT DOING THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND WAS TOTALLY BORED.

     AT THAT MOMENT, THE BUS STOPPED AT ANOTHER BUS STOP AND THE SPACE ALIEN LEADER AND SEVERAL OF THE SPACE ALIENS THAT HAD BEEN WITH HIM AT THE BEACH BOARDED THE BUS.  THEY ALL WALKED BACK AND SAT NEAR “KLONDYKE”.   THEY ALL JUST SAT THERE LOOKING AT HIM.  THE LEADER HAD A SILVER BAG WITH HIM THAT HAD SOMETHNG IN IT.

     THEN THE MOMENT CAME, WHEN THE LEADER SPOKE TO “KLONDYKE” AND SAID,  “LOOK: WE’VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION, THAT YOU ARE MUCH TO VIOLENT TO HAVE A BODY WITH THE PHYSICAL STRENGTH, SPEED, SIZE AND ABILITIES THAT YOURS HAS; SO WE’VE MADE YOU A NEW BODY.”

     THE LEADER REACHED DOWN INTO HIS BAG AND PULLED OUT WHAT APPEARED TO BE A LITTLE MAN AT

FIRST; BUT ON CLOSER INSPECTION, “KLONDYKE” WAS SHOCKED TO SEE, THAT THE LITTLE MAN LOOKED JUST LIKE HIM, THOUGH THERE WERE SOME DIFFERENCES.  THE HEAD WAS THE SAME SIZE AS HIS HEAD AND IT AND THE FACE LOOKED JUST LIKE HIS.  THE BODY AND THE CLOTHING ON IT ALSO LOOKED LIKE HIS BODY AND CLOTHING EXCEPT FOR ONE DIFFERENCE; THEY WERE MUCH SMALLER AND THE BODY WAS ONLY TWO FEET TALL.

     THE SPACE ALIEN LEADER CONTINUED AS HE FARTHER SAID, “WE TOOK SOME OF THE BLOOD FROM YOUR FEET FROM WHEN I STEPPED ON THEM WITH BASEBALL CLEATS AND USED YOUR DNA TO MAKE ANOTHER BODY THAT IS JUST LIKE YOURS ONLY SMALLER.  WE WILL TAKE YOUR BRAIN OUT AND PUT IT IN THIS NEW BODY THAT YOU ARE SEEING HERE.  AS YOU CAN SEE, IT IS MUCH SMALLER.  THIS WILL BE MUCH BETTER IN THE LONG RUN FOR EVERYBODY, INCLUDING YOU, SINCE NO ONE WILL END UP KILLING YOU BEFORE YOU BECOME OLD.  YOU WON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR PARENTS BEING ABLE TO IDENTIFY YOU AFTERWARD, SINCE THEY WILL BE THERE WHEN WE PERFORM THE OPERATION:  WE WILL MAKE SURE OF THAT!”

     “NOW WAIT A MINUTE”, HOLLARED “KLONDYKE”!  “I LEARNED MY LISTEN AND I WON’T BENEFIT FROM THIS.”

     “THIS IS NOT BEING DONE FOR YOUR BENEFIT ANYWAY”, SNAPPED THE LEADER.  “MY FEET ARE STILL SORE FROM WHAT YOU DID.”

     THE BUS CAME.  AS HE GOT ON, SINCE YOU WEREN'T ALLOWED TO RIDE THE BUS BARE-FOOTED, HE THOUGHT FOR SURE THAT THE BUS DRIVER WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING.  FORTUNATELY FOR HIM, THE BUS DRIVER WAS BLIND AND WAS THEREFORE UNABLE TO SEE HIS FEET AS HE PUT THE CHANGE IN THE METER.  HE WALKED TO A SEAT AND SAT DOWN.

     "OH, WHAT TO DO ON SUCH A CRAZY DAY", HE MUTTERED TO HIMSELF.

     HE PONDERED FOR A MOMENT.  HE WASN'T ABOUT TO GO OUT TRYING TO STEP ALL OVER PEOPLES' FEET WITH BASEBALL CLEATS; NOT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED AND HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY BASEBALL CLEETS ANYMORE ANYWAY, SINCE THE SPACE ALIENS TOOK THEM AWAY FROM HIM.  HE WAS TIRED OF WATCHING TELEVISION ALL THE TIME AND WAS REALLY QUITE SICK OF EVERYTHING.  HE KEPT DOING THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND WAS TOTALLY BORED.

     AT THAT MOMENT, THE BUS STOPPED AT ANOTHER BUS STOP AND THE SPACE ALIEN LEADER AND SEVERAL OF THE SPACE ALIENS THAT HAD BEEN WITH HIM AT THE BEACH BOARDED THE BUS.  THEY ALL WALKED BACK AND SAT NEAR “KLONDYKE”.   THEY ALL JUST SAT THERE LOOKING AT HIM.  THE LEADER HAD A SILVER BAG WITH HIM THAT HAD SOMETHNG IN IT.

     THEN THE MOMENT CAME, WHEN THE LEADER SPOKE TO “KLONDYKE” AND SAID,  “LOOK: WE’VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION, THAT YOU ARE MUCH TO VIOLENT TO HAVE A BODY WITH THE PHYSICAL STRENGTH, SPEED, SIZE AND ABILITIES THAT YOURS HAS; SO WE’VE MADE YOU A NEW BODY.”

     THE LEADER REACHED DOWN INTO HIS BAG AND PULLED OUT WHAT APPEARED TO BE A LITTLE MAN AT

FIRST; BUT ON CLOSER INSPECTION, “KLONDYKE” WAS SHOCKED TO SEE, THAT THE LITTLE MAN LOOKED JUST LIKE HIM, THOUGH THERE WERE SOME DIFFERENCES.  THE HEAD WAS THE SAME SIZE AS HIS HEAD AND IT AND THE FACE LOOKED JUST LIKE HIS.  THE BODY AND THE CLOTHING ON IT ALSO LOOKED LIKE HIS BODY AND CLOTHING EXCEPT FOR ONE DIFFERENCE; THEY WERE MUCH SMALLER AND THE BODY WAS ONLY TWO FEET TALL.

     THE SPACE ALIEN LEADER CONTINUED AS HE FARTHER SAID, “WE TOOK SOME OF THE BLOOD FROM YOUR FEET FROM WHEN I STEPPED ON THEM WITH BASEBALL CLEATS AND USED YOUR DNA TO MAKE ANOTHER BODY THAT IS JUST LIKE YOURS ONLY SMALLER.  WE WILL TAKE YOUR BRAIN OUT AND PUT IT IN THIS NEW BODY THAT YOU ARE SEEING HERE.  AS YOU CAN SEE, IT IS MUCH SMALLER.  THIS WILL BE MUCH BETTER IN THE LONG RUN FOR EVERYBODY, INCLUDING YOU, SINCE NO ONE WILL END UP KILLING YOU BEFORE YOU BECOME OLD.  YOU WON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR PARENTS BEING ABLE TO IDENTIFY YOU AFTERWARD, SINCE THEY WILL BE THERE WHEN WE PERFORM THE OPERATION:  WE WILL MAKE SURE OF THAT!”

     “NOW WAIT A MINUTE”, HOLLARED “KLONDYKE”!  “I LEARNED MY LISTEN AND I WON’T BENEFIT FROM THIS.”

     “THIS IS NOT BEING DONE FOR YOUR BENEFIT ANYWAY”, SNAPPED THE LEADER.  “MY FEET ARE STILL SORE FROM WHAT YOU DID."