ARABIAN WIPER INTERROGATED

DWAYNE

LEFTRIDGE

FAIRY TALES

THE DAY AFTER, THE SULTAN WAS ONCE AGAIN SITTING ON HIS PILLOW AS HE CALLED OUT VERY LOUDLY, “SLAVE; I WANT YOU TO APPEAR BEFORE

ME AT ONCE!”

IN WALKED “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD”. HE WENT AND STOOD BEFORE “HABIB THE SPARE-REEB” AND ASKED, “YES MASTER; WHAT

THING SHOULD I DO TO PLEASE YOU, WHICH WOULD TRUELY BE A WONDERFUL EVENT FOR OUR WORLD AND MAKE IT A MUCH BETTER

PLACE TO LIVE?”

“ALLAH”, INSISTED THE SULTAN; “I WANT US BOTH TO SWIM TO THE FORBIDDEN CASTLE OF THE LAKE, WITH EACH OF US CARRYING KNIVES.

IN THE CASTLE IS A GENIE IN A BOTTLE. I WANT TO RUB THE LAMP AND MAKE THE GENIE APPEAR. AFTER HE GRANTS US WISHES, I WILL HAND

HIM A KNIFE AND WISH THAT HE CUTS OFF HIS GONADS.”

“BUT MASTER”, INFORMED THE SERVANT; “A STORM KNOCKED OVER

THE GENIE’S LAMP AT THE FORBIDDEN CASTLE AND BROKE IT AND THE GENIE ESCAPED.”

“HABIB” SHOOK BOTH OF HIS FISTS AS HE SCREAMED OUT LOUD, “I’M FRUSTRATED: I WANT A TARGET!”

“YES MASTER”, SAID “ALLAH”.

AND SO, “ALLAH”, BENT OVER AND LOWERED HIS FACE IN FRONT OF

THE SULTAN AS HE HAD DONE MANY TIMES AND THE SULTAN GAVE HIM A HARD SLAP. WITH THIS DONE, “ALLAH” QUESTIONED, “WAS THE ACCESSIBILITY OF MY FACE IN A DELIGHTFUL POSITION FOR THE MOST PLEASANTRIES OF HAND MOTIONS MASTER?”

“YES”, ANSWERED THE SULTAN; “YOUR FACE WAS IN THE BEST

POSSIBLE LOCATION FOR THE BEST POSSIBLE STRIKING FORCE.

“NOW YOU DO KNOW THE REASON THAT I AM A SULTAN AND YOU ARE

MY SLAVE DON’T YOU? PLEASE RE-UTTER THESE FASCINATING WORDS THAT ARE A WHOLESOME PART OF THE VAST POOL OF KNOWLEDGE THAT

I HAVE GIVEN YOU.”

“I MOST CERTAINLY WILL MY MASTER, FOR IT BRINGS JOY TO MY HEART VIA THE FRAGRANCE OF FLOWERS, SAID “ALLAH”; YOU ARE A SULTAN

AND I AM A SLAVE BECAUSE YOU ARE SO GOOD LOOKING AND I AM SO UGLY.”

“AND YOU ARE HAPPY THAT I HAVE TAUGHT YOU THIS”, ASKED THE SULTAN?

“BY ALL MEANS WISE ONE”, ANSWERED “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR

HEAD”.

“I AM GLAD THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THE LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE;

THAT I AM IN MY NATURAL POSITION AND YOU ARE IN YOURS AND THAT

THIS WAS MEANT TO BRING HARMONY TO BOTH OF US”, REMARKED “HABIB”; “THAT I AM SO GOOD LOOKING AND THAT YOU ARE SO UGLY;

THAT I AM SO INTELLIGENT AND THAT YOU ARE SO STUPID; THAT MY

FAMILY AND ANCESTORS ARE BETTER THAN YOUR FAMILY AND

ANCESTORS; THAT ‘HERE I AM’ AND THAT YOU ARE NOWHERE. NOW BE GONE SO THAT I WON’T HAVE TO LOOK AT YOU. GO SOMEPLACE WHERE YOU MAY THINK OF MY KINDNESS.”

“YES MASTER”, OBEYED “ALLAH”; “BUT FIRST, I WOULD LIKE TO DIG IN

TO YOUR VAST POOL OF KNOWLEDGE WITH LICKING CHOPS ALL HUNGRY FOR YOUR MIGHTY WISDOM AND A QUESTION THAT CAN BE ONLY

ANSWERED BY A MIND LIKE YOURS.”

“AND WHAT WOULD BE THIS QUESTION”, ASKED “HABIB”?

“MASTER; WHY DO WE WEAR A DIAPER WRAPPED AROUND OUR HEAD?”, ASKED “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD”?

“IN CASE WE NEED A SPARE“, ANSWERED “HABIB THE SPARE-REEB”.

“IT COMES FROM THE DAYS WHEN THE HAREMS WERE BIG ENOUGH TO

FILL THE SKY; WHEN THE DANCING GIRLS WERE THE DELITE OF EVERY CASTLE. IT IS BECAUSE IN THOSE DAYS AS NOW, THE HAREMS DRINK SO MUCH WINE CONSTANTLY, THAT THERE IS A STRONG POSSIBILITY OF AN ACCIDENT. THEREFORE ONE MUST CARRY A SPARE DIAPER ON ONE’S

HEAD, JUST IN CASE ONE OF THESE ACCIDENTS FROM DRINKING TOO

MUCH WINE OCCURS.

“NOW GO AWAY; SO THAT I MAY THINK OF MY GREATNESS AND NOT HAVE TO HAVE THE LOWLY FOWL STENCH OF YOUR UN-GREATNESS INTERRUPT THIS PLEASING ACTIVITY, BY HAVING YOUR NEARNESS MAKE ME THINK MORE ABOUT YOUR UN-GREATNESS INSTEAD OF THE LAKE OF MY GREATNESS.”

“YES MASTER”, ANSWERED “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD”. “I WILL TIP-TOE QUIETLY AWAY, AS SILENT AS A COMET IN THE NIGHTTIME SKY, REGARDLESS OF THE STORM IT MAKES.”

“ALLAH” QUIETLY TIP-TOED OUT OF THE ROOM.

“SLAVE; SLAVE”, ECHOED THE VOICE OF THE SULTAN; FOR IT WAS

ONCE AGAIN MORNING: “I DEMAND A STANDING OVATION!”

“YES MASTER”, QUESTIONED “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD”, AS HE ONCE AGAIN CAME AND STOOD BEFORE “HABIB THE SPARE REEB”.

“DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME”, ASKED THE SULTAN? “I DIDN’T SAY, THAT I WANTED A SERVANT MERELY STANDING IN FRONT OF ME: I SAID THAT I WANTED A STANDING OVATION; SO WHY AREN’T YOU CLAPPING YOUR HANDS AND PRAISING ME? WHERE ARE THOSE COMPLIMENTS THAT EXPRESS HOW GRAND I AM? ARE YOU WITHOUT APPRECIATION OF THE TASTE OF MY ALWAYS DIVINE PRESENCE? YOU SHOULD BE FILLED WITH AWE AND WONDER FROM WHAT YOU ARE SEEING BEFORE YOU!”

“ALLAH” ANSWERED, “OH FORGIVE ME MASTER; FOR IT IS NOT ANY LACKING ON YOUR BEHALF BUT INSTEAD MY FOOLISH DAYDREAMING. I

WAS LOST IN THE DAZZLING OF IMAGINATION ABOUT OTHER THINGS,

WHEN THERE WAS SOMETHING FAR MORE AMAZING TO THINK ABOUT BEFORE ME.”

“ALLAH” THEN PROCEEDED TO CLAP HIS HANDS AND PRAISE THE

SULTAN WITH OUTSTANDING COMPLIMENTS ABOUT HIM. “BRAVO”, HE SPOKE AS HE CLAPPED HIS HANDS: “YOU ARE TRUELY THE GREATEST SULTAN OF ALL.”

TO THIS THE SULTAN MENTIONED, “GOOD; I AM GLAD YOU FEEL THAT WAY; BECAUSE TODAY, I HAVE ANOTHER SPECIAL EVENT PLANNED FOR

US; AND I MIGHT ADD, THAT THIS TIME, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANY

REASON WHY WE CAN’T DO IT: IN FACT; I AM BLAMING YOU AS THE

REASON, THAT MY REQUESTS FOR THE LAST TWO DAYS WERE NOT

CARRIED OUT. I DID NOT GET TO GLUE A DOLLAR TO THE SIDEWALK, TO WATCH THE PEASANTRY TRY TO PICK IT UP AND I DID NOT GET TO WISH

THAT THE GENIE CUT OFF HIS OWN GONADS; THEREFORE; I HAVE SOMETHING PLANNED FOR YOU.”

“AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE PLANNED”, WONDERED “ALLAH”?

“THIS”, SAID “ALLAH”: “WE WILL GO TO THE MARKET PLACE IN MY FAVORITE COACH, WHERE YOU WILL ANNOUNCE BEFORE THE PUBLIC,

THAT I AM THE SULTAN AND YOU ARE MY SERVANT, BECAUSE I AM SO

GOOD LOOKING AND YOU ARE SO UGLY; THAT I AM SO INTELLIGENT AND THAT YOU ARE SO STUPID; THAT MY FAMILY AND ANCESTORS ARE BETTER THAN YOUR FAMILY AND ANCESTORS; THAT ‘HERE I AM’ AND THAT YOU

ARE NOWHERE.”

“BUT MASTER”, EXPLAINED “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD”; “YOUR FAVORITE COACH HAS NOT RETURNED FROM THE REPAIR SHOP AND YOU WILL NOT RIDE THE ROYAL BICYCLES NOR RIDE THE HUMP OF THE CAMEL. NOR WILL YOU TAKE ANOTHER COACH. HOW ELSE WILL WE GET THERE?

“HABIB” SHOOK BOTH OF HIS FISTS AS HE SCREAMED OUT LOUD, “I’M FRUSTRATED: I WANT A TARGET!”

THIS TIME THOUGH, “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD” DID NOT LEAN HIS FACE OVER FOR THE SULTAN TO SLAP. THE SULTAN LOOKED UP IN SURPRISE; AND FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, HE SAW THAT “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD” WAS STARING DOWN AT HIM IN WHAT APPEARED TO

BE ANGER.

“WHAT’S THIS”, QUESTIONED THE SULTAN: “ARE YOU DISOBEYING ME? LOWER YOUR FACE TO ME SO THAT I MAY EXPERIENCE THE ENJOYMENT

OF SLAPPING YOU: THAT IS AN ORDER!”

“I WILL NOT”, SHOUTED “ALLAH”! “FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS, EVER

SINCE YOUR FATHER DIED, I HAVE LISTENED TO YOU BOSS ME AROUND, TELLING ME THAT YOU ARE SO GOOD LOOKING AND THAT I AM SO UGLY; THAT YOU ARE SO INTELLIGENT AND I AM SO STUPID; THAT YOUR ANCESTORS AND FAMILY ARE BETTER THAN MINE. I AM THE GOOD

LOOKING ONE; NOT YOU! I AM TALL, WELL BUILT AND HANDSOME AND

YOU LOOK LIKE THE ONE THAT I HAVE HEARD IS THE GOD OF ‘AMERICA’,

THE ‘PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY’! I AM INTELLIGENT AND YOU ARE STUPID;

AND I DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR FAMILY AND ANCESTORS ARE BECAUSE

YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A SPOILED KID WHO HAS INHERITED A POSITION THAT HE DOES NOT DESERVE. YOU WHINE LIKE A SWINE!”

“ALLAH; HOW DARE YOU”, SHOUTED THE SULTAN! “LOWER YOUR FACE TO ME AT ONCE SO THAT I MAY PARTICIPATE IN THE BLISS OF SLAPPING

YOU! YOU ARE COMMANDED TO DO SO!”

“ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD” PULLED HIS HAND BACK AND GAVE

HIM A REAL HARD SLAP AS HE SHOUTED, “SHUT UP!”

HE STARED DOWN AND SAW THE SHORT, FAT, BEADY EYED MAN

LOOKING UP AT HIM AND SAW THE FEAR IN HIS FACE. ALL HIS LIFE,

“HABIB” HAD BEEN SHELTERED BY THE ROYALTY; FIRST BY HIS PARENTS AND AFTER THEY WERE GONE, BY HIS PARENTS’ KINGDOM, IT’S

COUNTLESS GUARDS AND OFFICIALS; BUT HERE THOUGH FOR THE

MOMENT, “HABIB” WAS ALONE WITH A MAN WHO TURNED INTO A

STRANGER, THE VERY MOMENT THAT HE HAD REVEALED THE ANGER

THAT HE HAD BEEN HIDING FOR YEARS AND HE HAD NO PREVIOUS KNOWLEDGE IN THAT INSTANT OF PANIC AND FEAR, TO DEAL WITH THE PRESENT SITUATION.

“ALLAH” THEN SPOKE AND SAID, “I HAVE TAKEN ORDERS FROM A

LESSER MAN FOR TOO LONG AND I WILL SERVE YOU NO MORE. NOR WILL

I STAY HERE: I WILL INSTEAD, TAKE AWAY THE ‘GIANT RUBY’ FROM YOU, THAT YOU HAVE FLASHED IN MY FACE FOR MANY YEARS, FROM THE FOREHEAD OF YOUR TURBIN AND SELL IT, SO THAT I MAY HAVE THE FUNDS TO GO TO THE “UNITED STATES”. THERE, I WILL FIND A WAY TO GET FUNDS IN THEIR COUNTRY, SO THAT I MAY USE THOSE FUNDS TO COME BACK

HERE AND CONQUER THIS BIG KINGDOM OF UNDERWEAR HEADS WITH NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF SHEETY UNDERWEAR WRAPPED AROUND

THEIRS HEADS; AND THEN...I’M GONNA GET YOU!”

“HABIB THE SPARE-REEB” BEGAN YELLING, “IT IS NOT SHEETY! IT IS

NOT SHEETY! IT IS NOT SHEETY! THE TURBIN THAT OUR COUNTRYMEN WEAR ON THEIR HEAD IS AN HONORABLE CUSTOM OF OUR COUNTRY;

AND THEY ARE NOT SHEETY!”

“SHUT UP STUPID”, SAID “ALLAH”; “THEY ARE SHEETY! THEY ARE

ALSO STUPID LOOKING. I’M SICK OF WEARING ONE AND I’M GETTING OUT

OF THIS STUPID COUNTRY RUN BY A CHOLESTEROL SHAKING MACHINE. NOW; GIVE ME THAT RUBY!”

“ALLAH” REACHED TOWARD THE TURBIN AND GRABBED THE RUBY;

AND WHEN HE DID SO, “HABIB”, IN DESPERATION AND HORROR, COVERED “ALLAH’S” HANDS WITH HIS OWN, ATTEMPTING TO STOP HIM. THEY BOTH STRUGGLED, WITH “ALLAH” TRYING TO WRESTLE THE RUBY AWAY FROM “HABIB” AND “HABIB” TRYING TO STOP HIM.

AT LAST, “HABIB”, THROUGH HIS FEAR AND HELPLESSNESS, SAW

THE COURSE OF ACTION HE NEEDED TO TAKE AND BEGAN CALLING

OUT, “GUARDS! GUARDS! HELP ME! I’M BEING ATTACKED! HELP ME!”

IN A FEW MOMENTS, SEVERAL PALACE GUARDS DRESSED IN ARABIAN GUARD DRESS AND CARRYING “SINBAD” SWORDS, RUSHED INTO THE

ROOM. THERE, PERCEIVING THE STRUGGLE, THEY IMMEDIATELY GRABBED “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD” AND WRESTLED HIM TO THE GROUND.

“HABIB THE SPARE-REEB” INFORMED LOUDLY THAT, “HE TRIED TO TAKE MY RUBY FROM MY TURBIN. HE SAID THAT HE WAS TIRED OF SERVING ME AND THAT HE WAS GOING TO TAKE THE RUBY FROM MY TURBIN AND USE THE MONEY FROM IT’S SALE, TO GO TO THE “UNITED STATES”, WHERE HE WOULD FIGURE RAISE THE FUNDS IN THAT COUNTRY AND USE IT TO WAGE WAR AGAINST OUR KINGDOM.

“SINCE HE TRIED TO STEAL THE RUBY FROM MY TURBIN, THIS MAKES

HIM A THIEF; AND YOU KNOW WHAT WE DO WITH THIEVES IN “ARABIAN” KINGDOMS:

“I ORDER YOU, TO CUT OFF HIS LEFT HAND”

APON HEARING THIS, “ALLAH” BEGAN PLEADING, “OH PLEASE DON’T

DO THIS TO ME MASTER! IN OUR LAND, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO WIPE

YOUR BUTT WITH YOUR LEFT HAND ONLY AND EAT WITH YOUR RIGHT

HAND ONLY; BUT YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO EVER WIPE YOUR BUTT

WITH YOUR RIGHT HAND, SINCE THIS IS THE HAND THAT YOU EAT WITH.

IF YOU REMOVE MY LEFT HAND, I WILL BE FORCED TO WIPE MY REAR

WITH THE SAME HAND THAT I EAT WITH AND THEY WILL LAUGH AT ME IN

THE MARKETPLACE. EVERY TIME I SQUAT DOWN TO USE A BATHROOM

HOLE IN THE FLOOR, I WILL FEEL THE DISGRACE!

“I HAVE SERVED YOU FAITHFULLY FOR MANY YEARS BEFORE TODAY. I HAVE ALWAYS DONE EVERYTHING FOR YOU AND YOU HAVE TREATED ME HARSHLY. PLEASE SPARE MY LEFT HAND, SO THAT I MAY CONTINUE TO

WIPE WITH THE LEFT HAND AND EAT WITH MY RIGHT HAND AND UNDER NO EMBARRASSMENT.”

“AFTER THE INSULTS I HAVE EXPERIENCED HERE TODAY FROM YOUR SHARP TONGUE, I WILL DO NO SUCH THING”, REMARKED “HABIB”. “SQUATTING BEFORE A HOLE IN THE FLOOR TO USE THE BATHROOM IS

ALSO A CUSTOM OF OUR COUNTRY. DOING IT WITH ONE HAND IF YOU ARE

A THIEF IS ALSO A CUSTOM OF OUR COUNTRY. YOU ARE A THIEF AND YOU WILL BE DEALT WITH AS ONE: OFF WITH HIS LEFT HAND!”

AS SEVERAL GUARDS HELD “ALLAH” DOWN AND PINNED HIS ARM TO

THE FLOOR, ONE GUARD CHOPPED HIS HAND OFF WITH A SWORD. “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD” LET OUT A LOUD SCREAM. HE LAYED THERE SQUIRMING ON THE FLOOR IN AGONY AS SEVERAL GUARDS LOOKED ON.

“NOW”, ORDERED “HABIB”; “CARRY HIM TO THE ENTRANCE OF THE PALACE AND TOSS HIM INTO THE STREET!”

SO THE GUARDS DID SO. THEY CARRIED “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD”, ONE HOLDING ONTO EACH ONE OF HIS LIMBS AND TOSSED HIM

OUT INTO THE STREET AS THE SULTAN FOLLOWED AND THEN LOOKED

ON.

“DON’T YOU EVER COME BACK HERE AGAIN”, HE HEARD THE SULTAN CALL OUT. “THIS TIME IT WAS ONLY YOUR HAND; BUT THE NEXT TIME, IT WILL BE YOUR HEAD.

“NOW; CLOSE THE GATES!”

“ALLAH” NOW LAYED THERE ALONE AS THE EVENTS FLASHED

THROUGH HIS MIND. FOR THE FIRST TIME, HE WOULD BE WITHOUT HIS FOOD, CLOTHING AND SHELTER; BUT WAS NOT SURPRISED, SINCE HE

KNEW OF THE THINGS THE SULTAN HAD DONE TO OTHERS WHO HAD

SERVED HIM. MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE TO BECOME A BEGGER.

HE WENT TO A RESTROOM AT A NEARBY “MCDONALDS” AFTER FINDING

A CLEAN CLOTH, WASHED THE WOUND FROM HIS REMOVED HAND, RAPPED IT AND PROCEEDED TO THE MARKETPLACE, SINCE HE STILL HAD A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY TO BUY FOOD. HE DID NOT WANT TO GO THERE; BUT HE DID NOT LIKE “MCDONALDS” SINCE THE FOOD WAS ALIEN TO HIS COUNTRY

AND THE MARKETPLACE WAS THE ONLY PLACE CLOSE BY.

AS HE WALKED THROUGH THE MARKETPLACE CROWD, CAREFULLY CONCEALING THE WOUND OF HIS REMOVED HAND, ALL OF A SUDDEN, SOMEONE BUMPED INTO HIM AND HE ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED THE CLOTH THAT WAS HIDING HIS WOUND. A MAN WITH A BEARD AND A TURBIN IMMEDIATELY SAW; AND WHEN “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD” REACHED DOWN, GRABBING THE CLOTH AND TRIED TO PICK IT UP BEFORE ANYBODY ELSE SAW HIS DISGRACE, THE MAN WITH THE BEARD AND TURBIN

STEPPED ON THE CLOTH, SO THAT “ALLAH” WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO PICK

IT UP.

“LOOK EVERYBODY”, HE CRIED OUT LOUD WITH A SNARLING GRIN AND ON HIS FACE, SHOWING HIS SNOTTY LITTLE TEETH; “A MAN WITH HIS LEFT HAND CUT OFF! THIS MAN IS A THIEF: HE HAS TO EAT WITH THE SAME

HAND THAT HE WIPES HIS ASS! HE IS AS A PIG WITH NO HONOR: EVERYBODY STARE!”

EVERYONE TURNED AND STARED AT HIM AND BEGAN MUTTERING TO

ONE ANOTHER, AS A VOICE CAME OUT OF THE CROWD THAT SAID, “HE IS

AN INVENTOR OF NEW WIPING SYSTEMS!”

THE CROWD BURST OUT LAUGHING.

ANOTHER YELLED, “THE APE OF THE TREE WIPES HIS ASS BETTER BECAUSE HE USES HIS LEFT HAND!”

THE LAUGHING, JABBERING, SCREAMING, POINTING AND STARING

PEEKED EVEN HIGHER. “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEADS’” EYES

WANDERED OVER THE WICKED CROWD OF HEATHENS AND DEMON-LIKE HUMANS, FEELING AS IF HE HAD LAST FOUND HELL. HE SAW THEM ALL STARING AT HIM WITH THEIR “FOLLOW THE LEADER” GRINS AND THEIR FOOLISH AND GROUNDLESS PRIDE.

AT THAT MOMENT, “ALLAH” TURNED AND SAW A FAMILIAR SITE. THERE BEFORE HIM, WAS THE ROYAL COACH. IT HAD JUST COME TO A STOP

ONLY A MOMENT AFTER HE HAD TURNED HIS HEAD IN IT’S DIRECTION. IT MUST HAVE BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO THE ROYAL PALACE FROM THE

REPAIR SHOP IMMEDIATELY AFTER HE HAD BEEN TOSSED INTO THE

STREET. ANYWAY; THERE IT STOOD BEFORE HIM.

SOMEONE IN THE CROWD CALLED OUT, “IT’S THE SULTAN: WE ARE BLESSED! LET’S GO GREET HIM!”

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE VERY CROWD THAT HAD BEEN JEERING HIM

AND SNEERING HIM WAS RACING BY HIM. “ALLAH” STARED IN

DISBELIEF AS HE WATCHED THE IDIOTS RUN TO THIS FALSE

ADVERTISEMENT OF A LEADER; THIS MAN WHO HAD POSSESSION OF

MOST OF THEIR MONEY AND MUCH OF THEIR BUSINESS ENTERPRISE NOW WOULD APPEAR BEFORE THEM AS THEIR DIVINE REPRESENTATIVE. THE ONLY REASON THE SULTAN EVEN HAD ROOM TO STEP OUT OF THE COACH, WAS BECAUSE THE ROYAL GUARDS STEPPED OUT FIRST AND DEMANDED THAT THE CROWD STAND BACK FAR ENOUGH AS TO ALLOW THE SULTAN

TO STAND AND HAVE A SPACE TO WANDER IN, LEAVING HIM A GOOD

TWENTY FOOT CIRCUMFERENCE. THE CROWD WAS FILLED WITH

MUTTERING AND THE FUNNY NOISES OF THE FOOLISH EYE ON THE

CLEVER POLITO-CRAT.

THE SHORT, FAT MAN STEPPED FROM THE COACH AS THE CROWD

STARED IN DISBELIEF AND EVERY KIND OF FACE EXPRESSION AND

EMOTION OF PURE DELITE FLOWED THROUGH THE CROWD. THE MEN IN TURBANS AND CLOTH HEAD-DRESS, WOMEN IN VEALS, ALL LOOKED ON AT THE MAN THAT THEY THOUGHT WAS A WONDER OF THE WORLD: AT LEAST, THAT’S WHAT HE APPEARED TO BE IN THIS ARABIAN KINGDOM.

AT THAT MOMENT, A MAN HOLLERED OUT WITH ENERGY AND SMILE, “MY BELOVED SULTAN; I HEAR THAT YOU HAVE LAUNCHED A HOLY WAR IN THE “UNITED STATES” AND THAT YOU HAVE FORCED SEVERAL STATES IN “AMERICA” TO GIVE UP THEIR GOD, THE ‘PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY’: IS THIS WONDERFUL NEWS TRUE?”

“YES IT IS, MY MOST WONDERFUL SUBJECT” INFORMED THE SULTAN; “AND ALL THE BETTER TO SERVE YOU. THE TAXES I MUST TAKE FROM

YOU TO PAY FOR THIS WAR, IN THE LONG RUN WILL SERVE YOU WELL.

ALL MEN WHO DIE IN THIS WAR WILL RECEIVE THE DARLING EYES OF

THE ALMOND EYED GIRL, IN THE MOST WONDERFUL OF HAREMS, IN

HEAVEN AND THE AFTERLIFE.”

ANOTHER MAN CALLED OUT TO THE SULTAN AND ASKED, “IS IT TRUE,

THAT WHEN WE DIE, WE WILL GO TO A HAREM IN THE SKY AND HAVE ALL

THE SEX THAT WE WANT?”

“YES”, ANSWERED THE SULTAN; “AND THERE WILL BE ALL THE WINE TO DRINK AND DANCING GIRLS, LAMPS TO RUB AND GENIES TO GRANT

WISHES. THERE WILL BE MAGIC CARPETS; BUT MOST OF ALL, THERE WILL BE ME.

“HERE I AM!”

TO THIS, THERE WAS A WONDER OF APPLAUSE, SCREAMING,SMILES

AND CHEERS ALL FOR THE SULTAN. THE EXCITEMENT AMONG THE CROWD WAS OVERWHELMING, AS THE RELIGIOUS FANATICS OF THE FAITH

CARRIED ON THE CIRCUS.

“HAIL TO THE HOLY WAR AGAINST THE ‘UNITED STATES’ AND THE REMOVAL OF ‘AMERICA’S’ EVIL GOD, THE ‘PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY’”, SOMEONE IN THE CROWD SHOUTED!

ANOTHER PERSON CRIED OUT LOUD, “AND HAIL TO OUR BELOVED LEADER, ‘HABIB THE SPARE-REEB’!”

AT THAT MOMENT, “HABIB” AND THE CROWD OF LUNATICS AROUND HIM RECEIVED AN UNSUSPECTING SURPRISE. AS THEY ALL STOOD THERE AND THE GUARDS WATCHED THE SPECTACLE BEFORE THEM, ALL OF A SUDDEN, “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD” BUSTED OUT OF THE EDGE OF THE CROWD. HE RAN STRAIGHT FOR THE SULTAN, KNOCKED HIM OVER, GRABBED THE GIANT RUBY IN THE FOREHEAD OF THE SULTAN’S TURBAN, YANKED IT OFF AND FINALLY, JUMPED INTO THE ROYAL COACH AND SHUT THE DOOR.

WHEN IT FINALLY DAWNED ON EVERYONE, WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED, THE SULTAN YELLED OUT, “YOU’RE THE GUARDS: GET HIM!”

SO THE ROYAL GUARDS RAN TO THE DOOR OF THE COACH AND

OPENED IT; BUT WHEN THEY LOOKED INSIDE, THERE WAS NOBODY THERE. “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD” HAD JUMPED OUT OF THE COACH, THROUGH THE DOOR FROM THE OTHER SIDE AND ESCAPED.

THE HEAD GUARD ORDERED LOUDLY FOR THE CROWD TO MOVE OUT OF THE WAY FROM THE FRONT OF THE COACH, SO THAT THE COACHMAN

COULD MOVE THE COACH FORWARD, SINCE THEY WERE BLOCKING IT AND

IT WAS THE ONLY WAY HIS MEN COULD LOOK OR MOVE THAT THEY COULD THINK OF AT THE MOMENT. THEY COULD HAVE RAN THROUGH THE INSIDE

OF THE COACH TOO, THE WAY “ALLAH” HAD DONE BUT NOBODY THOUGHT OF IT DURING THE COMMOTION.

AT LAST, THEY MOVED THE COACH UP. TO THEIR DISAPPOINTMENT,

THEY COULD SEE NOTHING BUT MORE PEOPLE WHO HAD COME UP TO GET

A LOOK OF THEIR LEADER. THEY OVERWHELMED HIM WITH SMILES AND GREETINGS AND QUESTIONS AND HAPPINESS; BUT HE WASN’T HAPPY. “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD” HAD STOLEN THE RUBY THAT HAD BEEN ON THE SULTAN’S TURBAN, BOTH OF WHICH HAD SUPPOSEDLY BEEN PASSED DOWN NOW FOR MANY GENERATIONS.

TWO HOURS LATER, “ALLAH” WAS HIDING BEHIND SOME BUSHES NEAR THE AIRPORT. WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY AROSE, HE SNUCK ONTO THE AIRPORT PROPERTY AND MANAGED TO CLIMB INTO A LARGE BOX BEING BOARDED ONTO A PLANE. INSIDE THE BOX WAS SOME KIND OF A MANNEQUIN. HE DID NOT NO WHAT KIND OF A MANNEQUIN; BUT AT THE MOMENT, HE DID NOT CARE. THE ONLY THING HE CARED ABOUT WAS GETTING OUT OF THE COUNTRY AND ANY WAY HE COULD.

THE PLANE TOOK OFF; AND AS HE LAID, HE THOUGHT ABOUT THE STRANGE DAY, THE PHONY LEADER THAT EVERYONE LIKED, THE

VALUABLE RUBY IN HIS POCKET, THE ARGUMENT WITH THE SULTAN; ALL

THE EVENTS OF THAT DAY: BUT MOST OF ALL, HE THOUGHT ABOUT HOW

HE HAD LOST HIS HAND. FROM NOW ON, HE WOULD ALWAYS HAVE TO

WIPE HIS BUTT WITH THE SAME HAND THAT HE ATE WITH. WOULD THEY MAKE FUN OF HIM FOR THIS IN WESTERN COUNTRIES AS WELL?

WHAT ABOUT THE “PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY”? IF HE WENT TO

“AMERICA”, WOULD HE BE FORCED TO WORSHIP THIS GOD. HOW DID THIS WORSHIP MAKE THE PEOPLE BEHAVE? HE REALLY DIDN’T HAVE AN ANSWER. HE KNEW VERY LITTLE ABOUT “AMERICA”; AND IN SPITE OF HIS CLOSE POSITION TO THE SULTAN AS A SLAVE FOR SO MANY YEARS, WHENEVER THERE WERE POLITICAL MEETINGS, INCLUDING THE ONES ABOUT “AMERICA”, THEY WERE CLOSED AND HE WAS FORBIDDEN.

A NUMBER OF HOURS LATER, HE WOKE UP AS THE PLANE WAS LANDING. HE DIDN’T KNOW HOW MANY HOURS IT HAD BEEN BUT HE KNEW THAT HE WAS BACK AGAIN ON THE GROUND.

HE NOW KNEW, THAT SOONER OR LATER, HE WOULD HAVE TO BE ABLE

TO GET OUT OF THE LARGE BOX WITHOUT BEING SEEN. SHOULD HE TRY

TO ESCAPE THE BOX NOW OR WOULD IT BE SAFER TO ESCAPE THE BOX LATER? HE WAITED FOR A FEW MINUTES AS HE THOUGHT ABOUT HIS ESCAPE. FINALLY HE DECIDED THAT HE WOULD TRY TO ESCAPE THE BOX NOW; AND THEN SNEAK OFF THE PLANE WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY AROSE.

HE PUSHED UP THE LID AND OPENED THE BOX. WHEN THE LIGHT CAME THROUGH, HE HAD TO COVER HIS EYES AND SLOWLY EXPOSE THEM TO MORE LIGHT, BY MOVING HIS HAND SLOWLY AWAY FROM THEM, TO LET HIS EYES RE-ADJUST TO THEM. ONCE READJUSTED, HE DECIDED TO TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT THE MANNEQUIN THAT HAD BEEN IN THE BOX WITH HIM.

HE GRABBED THE MANNEQUIN’S HEAD AND TURNED IT AROUND TO

TAKE A CLOSER LOOK AT IT’S FACE; AND WHEN HE SAW IT’S FACE, HE

FILLED WITH HORROR AND LET OUT A LOUD SCREAM. IT WAS THE FACE

OF THE”PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY”!

WHAT IF HE HAD LANDED IN “AMERICA”? WAS THIS A SIGN THAT THE

GOD IN “AMERICA”, THE “PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY” WAS THE REAL GOD?

WOULD HE BE PUNISHED? WAS THIS A CURSE FOR WHAT HE HAD SAID ABOUT TAKING OVER “AMERICA” IN ORDER TO USE IT TO CONQUER “HABIB’S” KINGDOM. WAS “HABIB” HOLY BUT A HOT-SNOT?

FROM ANOTHER COMPARTMENT, HE HEARD A VOICE SAY IN “ENGLISH” WHICH HE KNEW HOW TO SPEAK FROM HIS SLAVE TRAINING SCHOOL, “I HEARD SOMEONE SCREAM IN THE LUGGAGE COMPARTMENT! GET

SECURITY AT ONCE!”

HE STARTED TO TRY TO FLEE; BUT THEN A REALIZATION CAME OVER

HIM: HE COULD ONLY BE IN A LOCATION, SUCH AS ON A RUNWAY OR IN A HANGER OR SOMETHING, WHERE BY THE TIME HE GOT TO THE PLANE’S DOOR, HE WOULD ALREADY HAVE PEOPLE TO STOP HIM. WITH THIS THOUGHT, HE JUST SAT THERE NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, SEVERAL MEN WERE IN THE COMPARTMENT WITH GUNS TOUCHING HIM AND SCREAMING ORDERS AT HIM. “GET OUT OF

THAT BOX”, A MAN YELLED! “COME ON: MOVE IT; AND DON’T TRY

ANYTHING! CHECK HIM FOR EXPLOSIVES!”

THE NEXT THING HE KNEW, HE WAS BEING HELD ON THE GROUND. TO

HIS ABSOLUTE HORROR, ONE OF THE MEN AROUND HIM PUT ON A PLASTIC GLOVE AND STUCK IT UP THE PLACE WHERE HE NOW HAD TO WIPE WITH

HIS RIGHT HAND. THIS WAS EVEN CONSIDERED A BIGGER DISGRACE IN HIS OWN COUNTRY THEN HAVING TO WIPE WITH THE SAME HAND HE ATE WITH. WOULD THEY MAKE FUN OF HIM FOR THIS IN THIS NEW COUNTRY?

“GET UP HAREM BRITCHES”, A MAN YELLED; AND AS HE ROSE, THEY PULLED HIM OUT OF THE BOX.

HE WAS LED OFF THE PLANE AND TO A ROOM IN THE AIRPORT. THERE THEY TOLD HIM TO SIT DOWN IN A CHAIR IN FRONT OF A DESK. HE LOOKED AROUND AND SAW ALL THE DISAPPOINTED MEN LOOKING DOWN ON HIM

AND FELT QUITE UNEASY. NONE OF THEM SAID A WORD: THEY JUST

STOOD THERE; ALL OF THEM WEARING SUNGLASSES AND UNUSUAL SUITS.

FINALLY A MAN CAME IN AND SAT DOWN AT THE DESK. HE TOO WAS WEARING THOSE PECULIAR SUNGLASSES WHERE YOU COULD NOT SEE

THE EYES AND FOR THE FIRST TIME, IT DAWNED ON HIM, THAT HE WAS

NOW IN “AMERICA”. THEY SPOKE “ENGLISH”; BUT IT WAS AN “AMERICAN” ACCENT THAT HE HAD BEEN HEARING.

A PERIOD OF SILENCE WENT BY WITH THIS MAN IN THE SUNGLASSES STARING AT HIM; LONG ENOUGH TO MAKE “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR

HEAD” FEEL VERY UNEASY. HE JUST SAT THERE STARING AT HIM.

THEN THE MOMENT CAME WHEN HE SPOKE. “YOU CAN ALL RELAX

NOW: HE’S NOT A TERRORIST. I KNOW WHO HE IS. HE’S ‘ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD’. HE’S AN ESCAPED SLAVE WHO ESCAPED FROM

THE SULTAN, ‘HABIB THE SPARE-REEB’.”

“ALLAH”, HE CONTINUED; “THE SULTAN SAYS THAT YOU SAID, YOU

WERE GOING TO CONQUER THE COUNTRY, SO THAT YOU COULD USE OUR MILITARY POWER AGAINST ‘HABIB’S’ KINGDOM.

“YES, I SAID IT” , ADMITTED “ALLAH”. “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S

LIKE TO BE A SLAVE FOR THAT GUY.”

“DIRTY IS IT”, ASKED THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK? “FILTHY AND

ROTTEN TO THE CORE? DISLIKED AND NON-SCRUM-DILLEEICIOUS?”

“YES”, SAID “ALLAH”. “IT’S HORRIBLE!”

“SO”, WENT ON THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK; “YOU HOPPED ON A

PLANE TO COME TO “AMERICA”, TO USURP THE POLITICAL POWER SO

YOU CAN RUN THINGS, JUST TO GET EVEN WITH THIS DICTATOR!”

“YES”, SAID “ALLAH”: I WOULD NEED A BIG COUNTRY TO OVERTHROW THE SULTAN’S COUNTRY, SINCE IT IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST AND MOST POWERFUL IN THE WORLD.”

“WHAT”, ASKED THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK? “THAT LITTLE TINY, RINKY DINK NATION, FULL OF A BUNCH OF IGNORANTS JUST LIKE YOU?”

“YOU SHOULD NOT BE MAD AT ME”, SAID “ALLAH”. “IT’S JUSTIFIED BECAUSE YOU WORSHIP A FALSE GOD CALLED THE ‘PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY’.”

“WE DO NO SUCH THING”, SAID THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK. “BOY; DID THAT SULTAN PUMP YOU FULL OF CRAP! THE ‘PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY’ IS

A MASCOT FOR AN ‘AMERICAN’ PRODUCT, CALLED SIMPLY, ‘PILLSBURY DOUGH’. IT’S KIND OF AN INSTANT WAY TO MAKE BISQUITS.

“HE TEACHES THOSE IDIOTS OVER THERE , THAT HE’S FIGHTING A WAR AGAINST US: HE’S DOING NO SUCH THING! WE’D WIPE THAT COUNTRY

OUT IN A DAY. HE JUST MAKES THAT STORY UP TO USE TAXES TO TAKE EVERYONE’S MONEY AWAY FROM THEM.

YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE IDIOTS; THINKING THAT YOU WILL CONQUER US SO YOU CAN USE OUR POWER. PEOPLE HAVE COME HERE BEFORE WITH THOSE IDEAS BUT YOU’RE THE BIGGEST IDIOT OF ALL.

“‘ALLAH’; I DON’T BELIEVE THAT WE’RE GOING TO WANT YOU HERE. YOU’RE JUST NOT OUR TYPE OF GUY. THE REASON THEY HAVE COUNTRIES IS BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT AND I’M AFRAID THAT ANYBODY WHO THINKS THAT WE WORSHIP A GOD CALLED THE ‘PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY’ IS

A LITTLE TOO WIERD FOR US.”

“BUT I CAN’T GO BACK”, SHOUTED “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD”,

AS HE HELD UP HIS ARM WITH A MISSING HAND: “LOOK; MY COUNTRYMEN WILL LAUGH AT ME BECAUSE I HAVE TO WIPE MY ASS WITH THE SAME

HAND THAT I EAT WITH! ‘HABIB’ IS MAD AT ME BECAUSE I STOLE THE

RUBY OF THE ROYAL CROWN FROM HIM!”

“NO YOU DIDN’T”, REPLIED THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK: “HE DID. HE REPLACED THE REAL RUBY IN HIS CROWN WITH A PLASTIC ONE THAT

LOOKS JUST LIKE IT, SO THAT HE COULD SELL THE REAL ONE.”

“BUT WHY”, ASKED “ALLAH”?

“WELL”, SAID THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK; “SOME PEOPLE WILL DO ANYTHING FOR MONEY; EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE AS MUCH AS ‘HABIB THE SPARE-REEB’.”

“I CAN BE A TRANSLATOR’, INFORMED “ALLAH”. I CAN SPEAK TEN DIFFERENT LANGUAGES. LET ME STAY! I WOULD BE AN ASSET TO YOU!”

THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK QUOTED, “IF YOU CAN SPEAK TEN

DIFFERENT LANGUAGES, THEN YOU’LL BE EVEN MORE OF A THREAT TO

US. MAY I REMIND YOU THAT YOU ADMITTED, THAT YOU WANTED TO OVERTHROW OUR GOVERNMENT, SO THAT YOU COULD USE IT TO

CONQUER ‘HABIB THE SPARE-REEB’. THAT’S PRETTY SELFISH OF YOU; TO THINK YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO ENSLAVE ALL THESE PEOPLE OVER HERE,

JUST TO SETTLE A DISPUTE THAT SHOULD REALLY BE BETWEEN YOU AND HIM; AND AT THE MOST, THE PEOPLE OF YOUR KINGDOM; TO INVOLVE US.

“YOU SEEM TO BE A LITTLE LOONY: DID HE EVER BEAT YOU?”

“ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD” SIMPLY TURNED HIS HEAD IN SHAME.

“THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT”, SAID THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK. “MY JOB

IS NOT TO BE IN THE FIELD OF PSYCHIATRY BUT TO GUARANTEE THE

SAFETY OF THIS NATION, BY MAKING SURE THAT CERTAIN PEOPLE DON’T CREEP IN. YOU CAME HERE ILLEGALLY; AND AN ILLEGAL ACT SHOULD BE BALANCED BY A LEGAL ACT. IN OTHER WORDS, I’M SENDING YOU BACK LEGALLY.”

AS THE PLANE APPROACHED “HABIB’S” KINGDOM, “ALLAH” FELT THE FEAR. HE KNEW THAT GREAT REPRISALS AWAITED HIM AND KNEW THAT THE SULTAN HAD A REVENGEFUL MIND. HE HAD REVEALED BEFORE HIM VERBALLY WHAT HE REALLY WAS AND HUMILIATED HIM. SURELY HE WOULD BE WAITING.

INSIDE THE PLANE, WHICH WAS AN “AMERICAN” GOVERNMENT PLANE, HE WAS SEATED BETWEEN TWO FEDERAL AGENTS. BOTH WORE DARK, SPOOKY SUNGLASSES AND DURING THE WHOLE TRIP, NOT ONE TIME DID THEY QUIT STARING AT “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD”.

AT LAST “ALLAH” ASKED, “DO THINK IT IS POSSIBLE, THAT YOU TAKE YOUR EYES OFF OF ME; ESPECIALLY SINCE I NEVER KNOW WHERE THEY ARE?”

“PISS YOUR PANTS”, SAID ONE OF THE AGENTS! “WE’RE NOT ALLOWED TO.”

WHEN THE PLANE ARRIVED AT THE AIRPORT IN “HABIB’S” KINGDOM, THE TWO FEDERAL AGENTS ESCORTED “ALLAH” TO THE DOOR. THE DOOR OPENED. TO THEIR ABSOLUTE SURPRISE, AS SOON AS THE DOOR OPENED, A CROWD OF PEOPLE CROWDED THE OUTSIDE ALL THE WAY TO THE PLANE’S EXIT AND SEVERAL OF THEM JERKED “ALLAH” RIGHT OUT OF THEIR HANDS AND PULLED HIM TO THE GROUND.

“GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE”, YELLED ONE OF THE AGENTS TO THE OTHER AGENTS ABOARD, “BEFORE THAT MOB OVERWHELMS US!”

THE EXIT CLOSED AND THE PLANE REENTERED THE RUNWAY AND TOOK OFF, AS THE ANGRY MOB SURROUNDED “ALLAH” AND BEGAN BEATING HIM.

THROUGHOUT THE CROWD, HE HEARD THEM CALLING HIM A THIEF AND A TRAITOR AND AN ENEMY TO THE KING AND ALL OTHER FORMS OF MADNESS THAT CAME FROM THE MOUTHS OF FOAMING ANIMALS. YET ALL HE COULD DO WAS LAY THERE. HE THOUGHT OF ESCAPING BUT DID NOT HAVE ANY IDEA ON HOW TO DO IT.

AT LAST, SOMEONE IN THE CROWD YELLED, “HE IS A THIEF! HE STOLE THE RUBY FROM THE HISTORICAL CROWN: CHOP OFF HIS OTHER HAND!”

HE FELT SOMETHING HIT HIS HEAD AND HE LOST CONSCIOUSNESS.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER HE WOKE UP TO THE SOUND OF AIRPLANES. HE ROSE HIS HEAD AND LOOKED. HE REALIZED THAT HE WAS STILL AT THE SPOT WHERE HE HAD FIRST BEEN DRAGGED OFF THE PLANE; AT THE AIRPORT, LYING ON THE RUNWAY. IT WAS NOW NIGHT. NO ONE ELSE WAS AROUND AND HE FELT SURPRISED THAT THE CROWD HAD JUST LEFT HIM THERE AND THAT HE WAS STILL ALIVE. MAYBE THEY HAD THOUGHT THAT HE WAS DEAD AND JUST WALKED AWAY.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE NOTICED A PAIN COMING FROM HIS LOWER RIGHT ARM. HE LOOKED DOWN AT IT; AND IN ABSOLUTE HORROR, HE SAW THAT HIS RIGHT HAND HAD BEEN COMPLETELY CUT OFF, JUST LIKE HIS LEFT HAND.

HE LET OUT A SCREAM OF AGONY. HE WAS SO SHOCKED THAT HE FORGOT THE PAIN COMPLETELY. HE HAD BEEN THE VICTIM OF A TYRANT AND A WOLF-PACK WHO USED TO BE HIS COUNTRYMEN BUT WERE NOW A BUNCH OF JERKS WHO WERE ONLY BEING USED BY THE SULTAN AS WEAPONS AGAINST THEMSELVES. ALL HE COULD DO WAS LIE THERE

AND SCREAM IN ANGUISH.

HE BEGAN REPEATING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AS HE LAY, “THE FOOLS! THE FOOLS! THE FOOLS! THE FOOLS!”

HE COULD NOT QUIT SAYING IT, UNTIL AT LAST A MEMORY BROUGHT IT

TO A HALT; AND FOR THE FIRST TIME, HE REALIZED THAT HE HAD WON. HE WOULD NOT HAVE TO STEAL THE GOVERNMENT OF THE “UNITED STATES”

TO BEAT THE SULTAN, FOR WHEN THE SULTAN HAD WANTED TO SWIM TO THE FORBIDDEN CASTLE OF THE LAKE, TO GET THE GENIE THERE TO

GRANT HIM WISHES, SO THAT HE COULD HAND HIM A KNIFE AND TELL HIM

TO CUT OFF HIS GONADS; WHEN HE TOLD THE SULTAN THAT THE GENIE

HAD ESCAPED BECAUSE A STORM HAD BROKE THE GENIE’S BOTTLE, “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD” HAD LIED TO “HABIB THE SPARE-REEB”.

HE HAD LIED TO THE SULTAN AND TOLD HIM THAT THE GENIE HAD ESCAPED BECAUSE HE HIMSELF WANTED TO SWIM TO THE LAKE AND ASK THE GENIE TO FREE HIM; FREE HIM FROM THE MANY YEARS OF SERVING

THE SPOILED ROTTEN INFANT SULTAN WHO HAD MISTREATED HIM TIME

AND AGAIN; WHO HAD BLAMED HIM FOR CIRCUMSTANCES THAT WERE

NOT HIS FAULT BUT ONLY THE FAULT OF THE SITUATION; THE SULTAN

WHO NOW HAD DISGRACED HIM IN FRONT OF THE PUBLIC AND WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE REMOVAL OF HIS HANDS.

HE SPRANG TO HIS FEET. WITH HOPE RESTORED, HE SET OUT ON HIS QUEST AND WITH THIS RESTORED HOPE, HE FORGOT ABOUT THE PAIN.

NO LONGER WOULD HE BE A PRISONER TO A BOSSY WIMP WHO IS

WITHOUT ANY FORM OF GUILT.

AT LAST HE ARRIVED AT THE LAKE; AND IN THE MIDST OF IT WAS THE FORBIDDEN CASTLE. THE NIGHT WAS COLD. HE WAS POORLY DRESSED. THE WATER WOULD ALSO BE COLD. THERE WERE ALSO CROCODILES IN THE WATER WHICH MEANT THAT HE WOULD HAVE TO ENTER THE WATER WITHOUT MAKING A SOUND AND ON THE DOCK WAS THE ONE EYED WOLF “HENRY”, WHO WAS THE PROTECTOR OF THE CASTLE. HE HAD HEARD THAT THE WATER WAS SHALLOW ENOUGH TO CROSS WITHOUT SWIMMING. IF THIS WERE TRUE, HE WOULD HAVE TO STAY LOW ENOUGH SO THAT HIS BODY WOULD NOT CREATE POWERFUL MOVEMENTS OF THE WATER TO ATTRACT THE CROCODILES AND LET “HENRY” HEAR THEM. IF IT WAS TOO DEEP TO WADE ACROSS AS HE WAS HOPING, THEN THAT MEANT THAT HE WOULD HAVE TO BE ABLE TO SWIM WITH NO HANDS AND HE WASN’T SURE IF HE COULD DO IT. HE WOULD HAVE TO BE ABLE TO KEEP HIS HEAD ABOVE WATER DOGPADDLING WITH NO HANDS AND USING HIS FEET, WHILE NOT MAKING ANY LOUD MOVEMENTS THAT WOULD DRAW THE CROCODILES OR ALERT “HENRY”.

“HENRY” WASN’T JUST ANY WOLF: “HENRY WAS THE SIZE OF A HORSE AND HAD A GIANT SINGLE EYE IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS FOREHEAD, THE SIZE OF A GRAPEFRUIT. HIS JAWS WERE TEN TIMES AS STRONG AS A HYENA AND HIS TEETH WERE AS SHARP AS A RAZOR. HE WAS AS FAST AS A CHEETAH AND AS STRONG AS AN ELEPHANT, EVEN IF HE WASN’T AS BIG.

SO IT WAS NOW TIME. HE QUIETLY WALKED DOWN INTO THE WATER. HE FELT THE WATER MAKE HIS WOUNDS STING WHERE HIS HANDS HAD BEEN REMOVED BUT DID NOT SCREAM. HE CONTINUED WALKING, UNTIL THE WATER CAME UP TO HIS CHEST AND AT THAT POINT, LOWERED HIS BODY SO THAT THE WATER CAME UP TO HIS NECK AND BEGAN HIS JOURNEY ACROSS THE LAKE. AS HE QUIETLY WADED, HE SAW THE CROCODILES MOVING AND LEAVING TRAILS IN THE LAKE AND SAW THE GIANT, GLOWING YELLOW EYE OF “HENRY” AS HE SAT ON THE DOCK.

WHEN HE FINALLY REACHED THE DOCK, HE DID NOT IMMEDIATELY TRY TO CLIMB ON IT BUT INSTEAD WADED UNDERNEATH AND PEERED THROUGH THE CRACKS BETWEEN THE UPPER PLANKS. HE SAW “HENRY” WITH HIS YELLOW EYE ON THE DOCK ABOVE HIM AND STILL THE CROCODILES LEFT TRAILS IN THE LAKE.

HE COULD NOT GET INTO THE CASTLE FROM UNDER THE DOCK AND WOULD HAVE TO BE ON THE DOCK TO GET IN PROBABLY. THE ONLY WAY HE COULD DO SO THAT WAY, WAS BY MEETING “HENRY” FACE TO FACE.

HE HAD AN IDEA FOR THIS. HE KNEW THAT WHEN YOU HIT ANY KIND OF A DOG IN THE NOSE, THAT FOR A MOMENT HE WOULD STOP AND SNEEZE. THIS WOULD GIVE HIM A MOMENT TO DO SOMETHING ELSE. SINCE “HENRY” WAS THE SIZE OF A HORSE, IF HE STAYED BACK AND ALLOWED HIM TO ATTACK HIM, HE WOULD COME AT HIM WITH THE WEIGHT OF A HORSE AT THE SPEED OF A CHEETAH. THIS WOULD BE THE EQUIVALENT WEIGHT OF BEING HIT BY AN AUTOMOBILE AT THE SPEED OF AN AUTOMOBILE. IT WAS DOUGHTFUL THAT HE WOULD SURVIVE THE IMPACT LET ALONE THE TEETH.

HE LOOKED ON THE SHORE AND SAW A NUMBER OR HUMAN BONES SCATTERED THROUGHOUT THE SHORE WHERE “HENRY” HAD KILLED, MAYBE EVEN EATEN, A GOOD COUNT OF PEOPLE WHO HAD TRIED TO GET INTO THE CASTLE BEFORE. HE HAD MADE UP HIS MIND AND DECIDED THAT IT WAS TOO DIFFICULT AND WAS ABOUT TO TURN BACK WHEN HE SAW SOMETHING. HE SAW A BOAT LEAVING THE CASTLE. THE QUESTION IS, WHERE DID IT COME FROM. THERE WAS NO DOCK WHERE IT HAD LEFT AND IT COULDN’T HAVE GONE THROUGH THE WALL.

HE DECIDED TO GET A CLOSER LOOK. HE QUIETLY WADED OVER TO THE PLACE WHERE THE BOAT HAD APPEARED TO HAVE LEFT THE WALL. TO HIS SURPRISE, THERE WAS A LADDER CURVING OVER THE VERY TOP OF THE WALL AND RUNNING DOWN ALL THE WAY INTO THE WATER FOR BOATS TO LOAD PASSENGERS AND THINGS. THIS MEANT THAT HE COULD GET INTO THE CASTLE BY CLIMBING THE LADDER. IT WOULD BE DIFFICULT SINCE HE DID NOT HAVE HANDS AND WOULD HAVE TO USE HIS ARMS TO GRIP THE LADDER AND ONCE REACHING THE TOP, HE BARED THE RISK OF HAVING SOMEONE STANDING ON THE OTHER SIDE, WITHEN THE WALL ITSELF.

HE DECIDED TO GIVE IT A TRY SINCE HE HAD NOTHING LEFT. HE HAD LOST HIS MEANS OF SUSTAINING ONESELF WHEN “HABIB” CHASED HIM OUT OF HIS OWN CASTLE. HE NO LONGER HAD A PLACE TO EAT, SLEEP OR REST HIS HEAD. HE HAD NO HANDS. THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT FOR HIM TO DO BUT FACE THE GENIE.

HE WADED OVER TO THE LADDER. HE RAPPED HIS ARMS AROUND IT AND BEGAN WALKING UP IT WITH HIS FEET. HALFWAY, HE LOOKED DOWN AND SAW THAT HE COULD STILL SEE THE CROCODILES LEAVE THEIR WATER TRAILS IN THE WATER AS “HENRY” STILL SAT ON THE DOCK WITH HIS ONE EYE LOOKING. HE WAS WORRIED THAT “HENRY” MIGHT SMELL HIM, SINCE ALL MEMBERS OF THE DOG FAMILY HAD A GOOD SENSE OF SMELL.

FINALLY HE CAME TO THE TOP. HE PEERED OVER THE TOP. THE LADDER CURVED OVER THE VERY TOP OF THE WALL; BUT ONCE ON THE OTHER SIDE, IT ONLY WENT A FEW FEET DOWN AND STOPPED ON SOME KIND OF A WALKING PLATFORM THAT CIRCLED THE ENTIRE TOP OF CASTLE.

HE FINISHED HIS CLIMB AND FINALLY CAME TO REST HIS FEET ON THIS WALKWAY WHERE HE WAS AT LEAST SAFE FROM FALLING, CROCODILES AND “HENRY”; BUT HE STILL HAD NO IDEA ABOUT WHAT DANGERS, IF ANY, WERE INSIDE THE CASTLE.

HE LOOKED DOWN AT THE BOAT IN THE LAKE THAT HAD LEFT THE CASTLE AND SAW A PILOT STANDING AT THE VERY FRONT OF THE BOAT WITH A LANTERN AND SOMEONE ELSE MOVING THE ORES. SUDDENLY THOUGH, IT DAWNED ON HIM WHAT IT ACTUALLY WAS THAT HE SAW. IT WAS A GHOST BOAT. THE PILOT WHO HELD THE LANTERN WAS MADE OF PURE LIGHT. THOSE WHO ROWED THE BOAT HOWEVER COULD NOT BE SEEN AT ALL. THEY WERE INVISIBLE AND THEY ROWED THE BOAT WITHOUT BEING SEEN.

THIS WAS BAD NEWS. IT COULD MEAN THAT THE REASON THAT THIS CASTLE WAS CALLED THE FORBIDDEN CASTLE, IS BECAUSE IT WAS A GHOST CASTLE. THAT WOULD MEAN, THAT IF THE MEN IN THE BOAT WERE INVISIBLE BECAUSE THEY WERE GHOSTS, THAT THERE MAY BE MORE INVISIBLE GHOSTS IN THE CASTLE. THEN AGAIN, MAYBE THE GHOSTS ON THE BOAT WERE THE ONLY ONES. HE DID NOT KNOW IF THEY WOULD HURT HIM OR NOT, SINCE HE DID NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GHOSTS.

THE ONLY CHOICE HE HAD WAS TO WAIT AND FIND OUT. HE SLOWLY AND CAUTIOUSLY MADE HIS WAY WALKING ON THE UPPER PLATFORM. HE FELT FORTUNATE WHEN HE CAME TO A STAIRWAY DESCENDING DOWN INTO THE CASTLE. STILL; ONLY TIME WOULD TELL IF HE REALLY WAS. HE TOOK THE STAIRWAY AND CAUTIOUSLY PROCEEDED TO THE BOTTOM OF IT.

WHEN HE GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF IT, HE CONTINUED TO WALK UNTIL

HE CAME TO A ROOM. HE ENTERED; AND TO HIS SURPRISE, HE FOUND IT WELL LIT. THERE BEFORE HIM, AT THE VERY END OF THE LENGTH OF THE ROOM WAS A TABLE; AND ON THE TABLE WAS A BOTTLE. WAS THIS THE GENIE BOTTLE OF THE GENIE THAT FABLE CLAIMED LIVED IN THE CASTLE?

HE WALKED UP TO THE BOTTLE. HE COULD NOT RUB THE BOTTLE WITH HIS HANDS SINCE HE HAD NONE, SO HE BEGAN RUBBING THE BOTTLE

WITH HIS ARM. TO HIS ASTONISHMENT, A STRING OF SMOKE BEGAN RISING FROM THE LAMP WHICH WAS SMALL AT FIRST BUT CONTINUED TO GET BIGGER. THEN THE SMOKE BEGAN TO GET MORE SOLID. IT APPEARED

THAT SOME KIND OF SHAPE OF A BEING WAS FORMING. AT FIRST HE

WASN’T SURE; BUT AS TIME PASSED AND HE WATCHED ON, IT BECAME APPARENT THAT SOMETHING LIKE A HUMAN FIGURE WAS IN THE MAKING, UNTIL FINALLY, A GIANT MAN STOOD BEFORE HIM.

“ARE YOU THE GENIE OF THE LAMP”, ASKED “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD?”

“YES”, SAID THE GIANT FIGURE; “AND YOU HAVE RELEASED ME TO

TAKE A BREAK FROM THE IMPRISONMENT OF THE LAMP; AND FOR THIS, I

AM FOREVER GRATEFUL. FOR THIS NOBLE ACT, I WILL GRANT YOU THREE WISHES; AND BE CAREFUL OF WHAT YOU WISH FOR.”

“THANK YOU FOR BLESSING ME WITH SUCH A WORTHWHILE CHANCE

TO UNDO THE BAD THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO ME”, SAID “ALLAH”.

“YOU ARE QUITE WELCOME”, SAID THE GENIE; “AND I HOPE THAT ANY WISH WILL BRING YOU TRUE FUTURE HAPPINESS. NOW WHAT IS IT THAT YOU WOULD HAVE ME DO?”

“FIRST”, WISHED “ALLAH”, “I WOULD LIKE BOTH OF MY HANDS THAT

HAVE BEEN AMPUTATED FULLY RESTORED TO ME AND IN THEIR PROPER PLACE.”

THE GENIE REPLIED, “AS YOU WISH, THIS IS NOW WHAT’S TRUE.”

“ALLAH” LOOKED AT THE ENDS OF HIS ARMS; AND TO HIS ABSOLUTE ASTONISHMENT, BOTH OF HIS HANDS HAD BEEN FULLY RESTORED. HE DID NOT FEEL A THING. IT WAS AS IF HIS HANDS HAD NEVER BEEN GONE IN

THE FIRST PLACE.

“SECOND”, CONTINUED “ALLAH”, “I WISH THAT ALL THE POWER OF

THE SULTAN AND ALL HIS RICHES BUT NOT HIS CHARACTER WERE MINE STARTING TOMORROW.”

“THIS IS NOW HOW IT IS”, ANSWERED THE GENIE.

“THIRD”, “ALLAH” WENT ON, “I WISH THAT I WOULD HAVE ENOUGH WISHES TONITE, SO THAT EVERYTHING THAT I CAME HERE TO ACCOMPLISH SHALL BE DONE.”

THE GENIE REMARKED, “THIS WAS A VERY WISE WISH; FOR NOW YOU WILL HAVE MORE THAN THE THREE WISHES FOR ALL YOUR NECESSARY PURPOSES. AS YOU WISH IS HOW IT IS.”

“FOURTH”, SAID “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD”; “I WISH THAT THE SULTAN, “HABIB THE SPARE-REEB” TO BE RIGHTFULLY PUNISHED FOR WANTING TO COME TO THIS FORBIDDEN CASTLE IN THE LAKE WITH A

KNIFE, RUB THE LAMP AND WHEN YOU APPEARED, HAND THE KNIFE TO

YOU AND ASK YOU TO REMOVE YOUR GONADS, BY MAKING HIS OWN GONADS DISAPPEAR FOREVER.”

“THIS IS A WISH THAT PLEASES ME AS MUCH AS IT PLEASES YOU”, ANSWERED THE GENIE. “THE DISAPPEARANCE OF HIS GONADS SHALL FROM THIS MOMENT ON, ALWAYS BE A MYSTERY TO THEIR ONE TIME POSSESSOR, ‘HABIB THE SPARE-REEB’.”

“ALLAH” NOW SAID, “FIFTH; I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE MY NAME FROM ‘ALLAH’ TO ‘CONSTANTINE’ WHEN THE MORNING COMES.”

“A VERY BIG IMPROVEMENT”, STATED THE GENIE: “YOU ARE NOW TO

BE ‘CONSTANTINE’ WHEN THE MORNING SUN ARISES.”

“ALLAH” NOW FINALLY WISHED , “AND FOR MY LAST WISH, I WISH THAT YOU BE COMPLETELY FREE OF THE LAMP IF YOU SO DESIRE; BUT IF YOU DESIRE, THAT YOU WILL RETAIN ALL YOUR POWERS, PROVIDING THAT YOU NEVER USE SUCH POWERS FOR EVIL AND THAT YOU WILL CONTINUE TO

LIVE FOR AS LONG AS YOU WOULD LIVE HAD YOU REMAINED IN THE

LAMP; THAT YOU WILL HAVE A YOUR OWN HOME IN SPITE OF LEAVING

THE LAMP, WHICH HAS BEEN YOUR HOME FOR MANY YEARS.”

“YOUR FAIRNESS OVERWHELMS ME”, SAID THE GENIE. “ALL THINGS

YOU HAVE WISHED FOR SHALL BE AND SHALL BE TOMORROW MORNING WHEN YOU RISE; BUT FOR NOW, YOU HAVE HAD A HARD AND DIFFICULT EXPERIENCE AND NOW YOU NEED TO REST. GOODBYE MY FRIEND AND THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM THE SLAVERY OF THE LAMP.”

“AND THANK YOU FOR FREEING ME FROM THE EVIL GRIP OF ‘HABIB

THE SPARE-REEB’, “ALLAH” GRATEFULLY ANSWERED.

THE GENIE REPLIED , “YOU ARE QUITE WELCOME: NOW REST!”

THE GENIE SWISHED HIS ARMS AND THAT WAS THE LAST THING OF THIS EXPERIENCE WITH THE GENIE THAT “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD” HAD REMEMBERED.

THE NEXT MORNING, “ALLAH” AWOKE ON A GIANT LUXERY BED, WITH LOVELY, COLORFUL BEDSPREADS AND SHEETS. HE LOOKED AROUND.

HE HAD BEEN HERE BEFORE. THEN HE REMEMBERED: THIS WAS THE SULTAN’S BEDROOM. HE HAD COME TO HIS SERVICE MANY TIMES TO

THIS ROOM. WHY WAS HE IN IT THOUGH?

THEN HE REMEMBERED THE GENIE AND HIS VISIT TO THE FORBIDDEN CASTLE IN THE MIDST OF LAKE. HE LOOKED AT HIS CLOTHING. THEY

WERE THE FINEST CLOTHING, CLEAN AND ATTRACTIVE. HE LOOKED AT BOTH OF HIS HANDS. IT WASN’T JUST A DREAM: THEY HAD BEEN

RETURNED TO HIM FOREVER.

AT THAT MOMENT, HE HEARD “HABIB THE SPARE-REEB” IN THE

SHOWER ROOM SCREAMING, “WHAT HAPPENED TO MY GONADS? SOMEBODY STOLE MY GONADS! WHERE DID THEY GO?”

HE CAME INTO THE BEDROOM WITH A TOWEL WRAPPED AROUND HIM. WHEN HE SAW “ALLAH” LYING ON THE BED, HE SCREAMED, “YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? YOU STOLE MY GONADS, DIDN’T YOU? WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY GONADS?”

“WHAT IF I DID”, ASKED “ALLAH”? “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO

ABOUT IT?”

“YOU WILL SEE SNOTTY MAN”, HE SNAPPED!

“GUARDS! GUARDS!”, CONTINUED “HABIB”: “‘ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD’ IS IN MY BED AND HE STOLE MY GONADS!”

THE ROYAL GUARDS CAME INTO THE ROOM. AT FIRST “ALLAH” FELT A LITTLE UNEASY; BUT THEN A GUARD CAME UP TO HIM TO HIM AND ASKED,

“WHAT IS WRONG ‘CONSTANTINE’ AND WHY IS THIS STRANGE MAN HERE?”

SUDDENLY, HE REALIZED THAT EVERY WISH THAT THE GENIE HAD PROMISED HIM HAD COME TRUE. HE WAS NOW THE NEW RULER OF

“HABIB THE SPARE-REEB’S” KINGDOM; AND BEST OF ALL, NOBODY KNEW THAT ANYTHING HAD BEEN CHANGED EXCEPT FOR HIMSELF WHO WAS

NOW “CONSTANTINE”, “HABIB THE SPARE RIB” WHO WOULD ALWAYS BE FRUSTRATED BECAUSE HE KNEW BUT COULDN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT AND THE GENIE.

“ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD” WHO WAS NOW “CONSTANTINE” SAID

TO THE GUARD, “I DON’T KNOW WHO THIS STRANGER IS. HE JUST CAME INTO THE BEDROOM AND STARTED SCREAMING THAT SOMEONE STOLE

HIS GONADS. HE EVEN ACCUSED ME!

“WILL YOU CALL THE ROYAL MENTAL INSTITUTION AND HAVE THEM

TAKE THIS MAN THERE? HE IS OBVIOUSLY NOT IN HIS RIGHT MIND.”

WHEN THE ROYAL MENTAL INSTITUTION CAME, THEY ALL GRABBED

ONE OF “HABIB’S” LIMBS, CARRIED HIM TO THE PATTY WAGON AND

PLACED HIM IN THE BACK. ALL THE WHILE, “HABIB” SCREAMED AND

KICKED AND CARRIED ON. HE ACTED SO BADLY THAT THE MENTAL INSTITUTION WORKERS HAD TO STRAP HIM INTO THE BED IN THE BACK

OF THE PATTY WAGON. THE CURTAIN TO THE PATTY WAGON WINDOW

WAS OPEN AND FROM THERE, “HABIB THE SPARE-REEB” COULD SEE “CONSTANTINE”, WHO HE KNEW WAS “ALLAH THE UNDERWEAR HEAD” LOOKING DOWN ON HIM FROM A BALCONY.

“HABIB” LOOKED UP AT HIM AND SCREAMED, “YOU DON’T FOOL ME!

I KNOW YOU STOLE MY GONADS!”

“CONSTANTINE” SIMPLY LOOKED DOWN AT HIM AND SMILED AS HE STATED, “IF THIS IS TRUE, THEN WHERE IS THE SCARE? YOU NEVER HAD ANY GONADS IN THE FIRST PLACE. WHO WOULD KNOW BETTER THAN

THE RULER OF THIS KINGDOM WHICH I HAPPEN TO BE. ENJOY YOUR

NEW HOME. PERHAPS IT IS WHERE YOU WERE REALLY MADE TO BE.”

THE END

THE ABOVE STORY

WAS WRITTEN

“DWAYNE LEFTRIDGE”

COURTESY OF “LEFTRIDGE RECORDS”

AS SEEN ON THE LEFT COLUMN AND CLOSE TO THE TOP, “DWAYNE LEFTRIDGE” ALSO HAS ALSO MADE A CD CALLED: “COMING OUT OF THE HERMIT’S CAVE”. HE HAS TWO MORE CD’S THAT HE DESPERATELY WANTS TO MAKE, THE NAME’S OF WHICH HE WILL NOT REVEAL AS A PRECAUTION AGAINST MUSIC IDEA BORROWERS: BUT FIRST, HE MUST SELL THE CD THAT HE ALREADY HAS, IN ORDER TO GET THE FUNDING.

HIS MUSIC IS GOOD AND DIFFERENT AND HE HOPES THAT YOU WILL BE INTERESTED IN IT. YOU MAY CHECK HIS YOUTUBE LINK; ALSO NEAR THE TOP. HIS MUSIC HAS BEEN PLAYED SOMEWHERE AROUND 61 TIMES THAT HE KNOWS OF ON THE RADIO SO FAR ON THE FOLLOWING STATIONS: AT

LEAST THE KIND THAT SHOWS UP ON RADIO CHARTS: RUSTY RADIO-RADIO RELAXO-LAST FM IN SANTA BARBARA-LIVE 365 IN GILLINGHAM-KENT, ENGLAND-DUNGEON RADIO IN ENGLAND-WCBN IN ANN ARBOR MICHIGAN-KDVS IN DAVIS CALIFORNIA-WMUH IN PENSYLVANIA-RYHL IN NASHVILLE, TENNESSE. HE HAS SEEN THE CLUE THAT IT HAS BEEN PLAYED ELSEWHERE, THOUGH HE’S NOT FOR SURE. HE DOES NOT INCLUDE PAY TO PLAY TYPE DEALS SUCH AS “JANGO AIRPLAY”, THOUGH THEY SET UP SOME KIND OF A JUKEBOX PAGE FOR HIM TO TRY TO GET HIS BUSINESS.

IF YOU HAVE SOME FAMILIARITY WITH HIS MUSIC, YOU MIGHT CONSIDER CONTACTING YOUR FAVORITE DISC JOCKEY OR ONE OF THE STATIONS ABOVE AND REQUESTING ANY SONG ON HIS PRESENT CD; BUT BEST OF

ALL, YOU MAY CONSIDER GOING TO HIS “CD BABY” LINK A FEW INCHES UP ON THE LEFT AND DOWNLOADING SOME MUSIC. WHAT’S 99$ THESE DAYS?

THIS HAS BEEN

A MESSAGE FROM

“LEFTRIDGE RECORDS” SECRETARY,

“IRENE TRIPLE-BOOB”

THE GREAT “HABIB THE SPARE-REEB” SAT ON A PILLOW AS HE CLAPPED

HIS HANDS TWICE AND CALLED OUT, “SLAVE! SLAVE! I BECKEN YOU TO COME TO ME AT ONCE! “

“HABIB THE SPARE RIB”, PLEASED WITH HIS PLUMPNESS AND SHORTNESS, WAS DRESSED IN ALL THE TYPICAL “ARABIAN” DRESS, COMPLETE WITH A “WHITE TURBIN”, A PAIR OF “CURLY TOE SHOES”

A SULTAN’S “SADDLE VEST” AND “HAREM PANTS”. ON THE FOREHEAD OF HIS TURBIN WAS A “GIANT RUBY” WITH A FEATHER STICKING OUT FROM IT; AND ABOVE IT IN SMALL WRITING WAS THE STATEMENT IN “ARABIAN” SAYING, “HERE I AM!”

IN CAME THE MALE SERVANT, TALLER, SLIMMER AND MORE MUSCULAR AND DRESSED IN THE SAME STYLE. HE WALKED UP TO THE SULTIN AND SAID, “YES; WHAT IS IT MASTER?”

“ALLAH”, SAID THE SULTAN; “ I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME TO THE MARKETPLACE IN MY FAVORITE COACH, SO THAT I MAY HAVE YOU GLUE A DOLLAR TO THE SIDEWALK, SO THAT WE MAY OBSERVE THE NEEDY TRY TO GET IT UP, AS WE WATCH FROM THE COACHES WINDOW AND REPEAT OUR SILENT GIGGLES!”

“BUT GREAT ONE”; YOUR FAVORITE COACH IS GETTING A WHEEL REPAIRED AND IT WON’T BE BACK TILL TOMORROW. WILL YOU PERHAPS SETTLE FOR A LESSER ONE”, SUGGESTED “ALLAH”?

“NO”, SNAPPED “HABIB”! “THERE WILL BE NO WATCHING THE

PEASANTS SCRAMBLE AND FIGHT, TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO GET A GLUED DOLLAR OFF OF THE SIDEWALK IN A SECONDARY COACH. FOR SUCH AN OCCASION, I NEED THE BEST COACH, IN ORDER TO SHOW MY HONOR!”

“ALLAH” SUGGESTED FARTHER, “PERHAPS WE CAN TAKE THE ROYAL BICYCLES AND DO OUR DOLLAR GLUING THAT WAY.”

“NO, NO NO”, SHOUTED THE SULTAN! “I AM A SULTAN: I AM NOT GOING TO PEDDLE A BICYCLE: NO COACH, NO GLUING; AND PLEASE DON’T SUGGEST THAT WE TAKE CAMELS AGAIN. I DON’T WANT THAT SHARP

HUMP GOING UP MY ASS ALL DAY!”

“ALLAH” MENTIONED WITH ANTICIPATION, “WHAT IF WE TAKE

CAMELS WITH TWO HUMPS?”

“NO, NO, NO”, AGAIN SHOUTED “HABIB THE SPARE-REEB”! “I DON’T

WANT A BIG HUMP, RUNNING UP THE CRACK OF MY REAR END ALL DAY, MAKING MY BUTT BONES HURT AND MAKING MY REAR SORE.”

“HABIB” SHOOK BOTH OF HIS FISTS AS HE SCREAMED OUT LOUD, “I’M FRUSTRATED: I WANT A TARGET!”

“YES MASTER”, SAID “ALLAH”.

AND SO, “ALLAH”, BENT OVER AND LOWERED HIS FACE IN FRONT OF

THE SULTAN AND THE SULTAN GAVE HIM A HARD SLAP. WITH THIS DONE, “ALLAH” QUESTIONED, “WAS THE ACCESSIBILITY OF MY FACE IN A DELIGHTFUL POSITION FOR THE MOST PLEASANTRIES OF HAND MOTIONS MASTER?”

“YES”, ANSWERED THE SULTAN; “YOUR FACE WAS IN THE BEST POSSIBLE LOCATION FOR THE BEST POSSIBLE STRIKING FORCE. NOW; BE GONE WITH YOU TO A PLACE WHERE I WILL NOT HAVE TO LOOK AT YOU!”

THE SERVANT BOWED AND SAID, “YES MASTER”; AND AFTER, HE LEFT THE ROOM.